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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people find it hard to balance their work with other parts of their lives. What problems does this cause? How can this problem be overcome?

In
this
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 contemporary era, every person is running after
work
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 in order to have a comfortable and healthy lifestyle.Increased Competition is making their workplace more stressful. the sake of earning more and more , they neglect some of the important areas of their
life
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.There are a number of difficulties which people can suffer by not giving an equal proportion of
time
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 to their professional and personal lives.
This
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 trouble can be solved with some adequate actions which will be discussed in the subsequent paragraphs. To commence with,
This
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 problem can raise a number of concerns. First and foremost is stress.
Imbalance
Add an article
The imbalance
An imbalance
show examples
 between
work
Use synonyms
 and personal
life
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 can occur
due to
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unorganised
Correct article usage
an unorganised
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 routine. Unfortunately, things will not go
according to
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 them.
Thus
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,it can bring more stress in a person's
life
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. To cite an example, the Government of Australia has conducted a seminar in which they asked their
employees
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 about their daily
life
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 schedule in order to know the reason behind poor performance
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
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As a result
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, they got to know that they are not balancing their
life
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 well with
work
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.
Moreover
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, Individuals can weaken their bond with family members especially their children because of spending more than the required
time
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 at
work
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.Unfortunately, offspring will not get proper parental support in their growing period.Later on,
this
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 could lead them into bad habits . There are myriad ways to tackle
this
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 obstacle.Companies can provide financial incentives in the form of family holiday packages.
This
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 way, people will get the opportunity to spend quality
time
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 with their loved ones without worrying about money.
In addition
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 to
this
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, Companies need to hire more
employees
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 during peak season rather than
giving
Verb problem
putting
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 more burden
to
Change preposition
on
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 existing
employees
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.
For instance
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, There was a survey done by Ingram
micro
Capitalize word
Micro
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 company in 2020 to check , when the
employees
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 had more burden
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
.
Hence
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, peak season is the only
time
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 when they are not getting a stable
life
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due to
Linking Words
 more pressure.
To conclude
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, every individual needs to set their priorities. Focusing on one thing will make them weak in areas of
life
Use synonyms
.

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Content
Your introduction outlines the topic, but it could be more engaging. Consider starting with a general statement about work-life balance before narrowing down to your main points.
Content
In the conclusion, restate your main points clearly to reinforce your arguments. You might also want to include a call to action or a suggestion for future considerations.
Language
Be careful with punctuation and spacing. For example, 'the sake of earning more and more , they neglect' should not have a space before the comma. Similarly, maintain consistency in spacing throughout your essay.
Cohesion
Try to provide clearer links between your ideas. For instance, when moving from stress to family bonds, you could use transition phrases like 'Furthermore' to enhance flow.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples a bit more. For instance, explain how a family holiday package could specifically benefit employees and their families.
Content
You have identified relevant problems related to work-life balance and proposed concrete solutions, which shows good understanding of the topic.
Content
Your use of specific examples, such as the seminar conducted by the Government of Australia, adds to the validity of your points, making your argument stronger.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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