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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

some individuals believe that teaching
children
Use synonyms
 good behaviours to be effective in the community is the
parents
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' responsibility,
while
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 others consider it
schools
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' responsibility.
Although
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 the latter opinion can be beneficial in some cases, I believe that families have the biggest role in
this
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. Because
schools
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 are full of students which makes teachers cannot catch up with all students. Some
people
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 think that
schools
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 have many factors to teach
children
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 how to be useful in society.
This
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 is because
schools
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 include several
people
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 in a similar range of ages which makes them affect from each other. No matter what they learn from their
parents
Use synonyms
, they behave like their peers.
For example
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, the majority of the best humans in the world have studied in good
schools
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 which shows the impact of
schools
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 on
people
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's personalities. Despite
this
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, I think
schools
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 are not the best because we do not study from the first years of our lives which is the most crucial phase.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 think that
children
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 should learn how to be great members of society by their
parents
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. Because
children
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 live with their
parents
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 and spend a lot of time with them.
Therefore
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, they could monitor their
parents
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' acts and do the same things because
children
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 are easily affected by their
parents
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.
For example
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, in Japan, younger
people
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 learn how to carry out home chores when they are only 3 years old though watching their mom and dad regularly. In conclusion,
although
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 the advantages of teaching
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 at
schools
Use synonyms
, I think that families play the most important role in the development of their
children
Use synonyms
.
This
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 is because teachers have to deal with a large number of students which makes
this
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 more difficult,
while
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parents
Use synonyms
 should raise about one or two
children
Use synonyms
 which is easier to gain better consequences.

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Task Achievement
The introduction could be clearer by explicitly stating your opinion at the end. Try to summarize both views before offering your perspective.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using more linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This can enhance the flow of your writing.
Task Achievement
When presenting examples, ensure they are fully explained and directly relevant to the point you're making. For instance, elaborate on why the example of Japan is significant in the context of parental influence.
Positive
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both views, which is a strong aspect of task response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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