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Writing Samples
Band 7

There are many reasons that can motivate a person to stay working for the same company. Some believe that money is the main reason. Do you agree or disagree?

Some argue that
money
Use synonyms
 is a major reason people remain with a
company
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay disagrees with that view, arguing that family and
health
Use synonyms
 are more influential motivators. One of the main reasons someone would continue to work for a
company
Use synonyms
 would be the ability to spend time with their family after work. When a job demands long hours from the employees, it causes a rift between family members as they are unable to spend quality time together.
Consequently
Linking Words
, families drift apart as the members become more and more alienated.
For instance
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, in the USA, nurses who work a significant number of hours per week have higher divorce rates than those who do not, despite being well paid.
This
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 illustrates that
although
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 they earn a decent living,
money
Use synonyms
 cannot substitute for family.
However
Linking Words
, earning less means the family stays together. Another reason they might stay employed at a
company
Use synonyms
 would be because they receive
health
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 benefits, which could include free or discounted gym memberships, access to private doctors or
health
Use synonyms
 insurance. These benefits allow employees to stay fit and healthy, and they are looked upon favourably by employees because haleness is more valuable than
money
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.
For example
Linking Words
, employers in America often include
health
Use synonyms
 insurance in their employee's packages in hopes that it will influence their decision, even though the offered salary might be lower than the market value.
This
Linking Words
therefore
Linking Words
 displays the importance of
health
Use synonyms
 compared to wealth. In conclusion, people stay at a
company
Use synonyms
 for a number of reasons. I disagree with the statement that
money
Use synonyms
 is the primary motivator
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because I believe that it is family and haleness which are the main motivators.

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task achievement
Ensure that all main points are clearly explained and supported with specific details or examples to enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to avoid minor spelling errors (e.g. 'haleness' should be 'wholeness' or 'health') to improve readability and professionalism.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that the argument flows logically and that ideas are well-connected with appropriate linking words or phrases.
task achievement
The essay clearly presents a disagreeing viewpoint and develops arguments around family and health as motivators, which shows engagement with the topic.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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