IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

There are many female students who finish degrees in science and technology courses at university, but few move into the workplace after they graduate. Why is this? What measures can be taken to encourage them into work

#students #degrees #science #technology #courses #university #move #workplace #graduate #measures #work
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In
this
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 day and age, a plethora of
women
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 compete for science and technology degrees from a university,
thus
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 the average of
women
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 applying to the workplace is
in contrast
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 with the statistics of finished degrees. In my view, the main issue is gender stereotypes, societies still memorable
men
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 in a string way than
women
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 no matter the job even
today
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 is are varieties of campaigns calling about the potential of females which is the same as
men
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. The undeniable image of
women
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 in the past was weaker than
men
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 and most societies
today
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 still keep
this
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 image so the main problem is the credibility of
women
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, even if the female in present can prove their potential in many careers which is unbelievable in the past as doctor, engineer or architect.
However
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, demand market jobs currently need a large number of scientists and technologists without gender concerns but
men
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 always be the first choice over
women
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 time
Moreover
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, in memory of the public main responsibility of
women
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 is to take care of and focus on their families so they will lack responsibilities for their work.
However
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, societies represent more concern and call out the campaign of
women
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 about the potential of females in a variety of social media platforms Twitter is the biggest group calling out feminists which is the potential of females
also
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 the same as
men
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. So it can have a large impact on changing the mindset of many people
today
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.
To sum up
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, even though it is hard to change the minds of the biggest amount of the public social media power always calls for and improves how much female potential and a plethora of jobs
today
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 applying a large number of
women
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 but technologists and scientists still need more time to change the mindset about gender.
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task achievement
Work on clarifying ideas to ensure they are comprehensive and easy to understand. Consider organizing your thoughts in a more structured manner, and use clear, concise language.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your claims. Use relevant data, studies, or historical points to make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your essay by using transitional words and phrases to enhance coherence. Ensure each paragraph connects logically to the next.
task achievement
You have addressed the given task and provided a relevant response to both parts of the question.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, clearly framing the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender stereotypes
  • societal beliefs
  • recruitment process
  • work-life balance
  • career advancement
  • gender biases
  • mentorship opportunities
  • salary disparities
  • role models
  • financial compensation
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