IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, an increasing number of
people
Use synonyms
 have been struggling with obesity worldwide. Some argue that expensive fast
food
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 can discourage
people
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 from consuming it.
While
Linking Words
 raising the price of fast
foods
Use synonyms
 can potentially combat
this
Linking Words
 problem, l firmly believe that personal choice is the key driver of being obese. Admittedly, making fattening
foods
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 more expensive can help to reduce the demand for fattening
foods
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. If restaurants put considerably high prices for their fast
foods
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, it is likely that fewer
people
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 go there to consume unhealthy
food
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, resulting in
adapt
Verb problem
adopting
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healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 lifestyle. It is proven that the more
jkfattening
Correct your spelling
fatty
foods
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 are consumed, the greater the number of obese
people
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 and
high
Correct word choice
the higher
show examples
Use synonyms
cost
Correct article usage
the cost
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 can presumably persuade
people
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 to limit their fast
food
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 consumption. As an obvious example -- Sweden where individuals from there eat less fattening
foods
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due to
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 their significantly high prices. Despite these, l still remain convinced that high
cost
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 cannot alone tackle
this
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 issue because of the personal preference of some who have relatively high social status.
In other words
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, they are not worried about the
cost
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 of
food
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 and consume them constantly. Unlike other low-income families, wealthy
people
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 do not face financial constraints and opt for the delicious one even though it leads unhealthy lifestyle. The US citizens comparably suffer more in terms of obesity as opposed to other nationalities
due to
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 wealthy communities and simply put personal choice and preference over
cost
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. In conclusion,
although
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 the high
cost
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 of fast
foods
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 can play a crucial role in reducing demand for fast
food
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, l believe that expensive
foods
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 cannot solely solve the problem
,
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apply
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 when the community is being wealthy.

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coherence and cohesion
Some sentences could be restructured for clarity. For example, instead of 'results in adapt healthy lifestyle,' consider 'results in a healthier lifestyle.'
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread for typos and grammatical errors, such as 'jkfattening foods' instead of 'fattening foods.' These small mistakes can affect clarity.
task achievement
While you provide some examples, they could be more specific and detailed to strengthen your argument. For instance, citing statistics or studies about obesity trends in Sweden may enhance your point.
task achievement
Consider elaborating on how personal choice, in addition to economic factors, influences obesity to clarify your argument further.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the issue, which is essential for task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
You have organized your essay into clear paragraphs, which aids in coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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