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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activitie

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participants for different activitie
The line graph illustrates the quantities of
participants
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 various activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia from 2000 to 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
,
film
Use synonyms
club
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 had the highest number of
participants
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,
while
Linking Words
amateur
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dramatics
Use synonyms
 had the least. Among the five activities,
film
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club
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 and
martiel
Correct your spelling
martial
 experienced a
realtively
Correct your spelling
relatively
 stable trend throughout the 20-year
periods
Fix the agreement mistake
period
show examples
. In 2000,
film
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club
Use synonyms
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 the most prevalent choice for
participants
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 with more than 60 people
attend
Wrong verb form
attending
show examples
, compared to martial arts at only 35. The figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
film
Correct article usage
the film
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club
Use synonyms
 ended with 65 people in 2020 after fluctuating for
twenty
Correct your spelling
20
 years but never dropped below 60. A similar
trejactory
Correct your spelling
trajectory
 can be witnessed in martial arts, with
participants
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fluctuated
Wrong verb form
fluctuating
show examples
 between 30 to 40 before ending with 35. Regarding table tennis, it started with only 15
participants
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, which was lower than
amateur
Use synonyms
dramatics
Use synonyms
 at 25.
However
Linking Words
, the number of
participants
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 in table tennis surpassed
amateur
Use synonyms
dramatics
Use synonyms
 at 20 in 2010 and dramatically
growed
Correct your spelling
grew
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 to almost 55 by 2020, compared to
amateur
Use synonyms
dramatics
Use synonyms
start
Wrong verb form
started
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 dropping from 2005 at 28 to a mere 6 by 2020. In terms of musical performances, there
is
Wrong verb form
were
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 no
participants
Use synonyms
 in the
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
;
however
Linking Words
, the figure gradually rose to approximately 19 in the final year.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words participants, film, club, amateur, dramatics with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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