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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, more and more adults are continuing to live with their parents even after they have completed their education and found jobs. Do the advatages outweigh the disadvantages

A common trend occurring frequently around the globe in all facets of society is
people
Use synonyms
 who choose to stay with their
parents
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 after graduating from university and having a job. The writer of
this
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 essay is of the opinion that the benefits of taking care of
parents
Use synonyms
 easily and avoiding making
parents
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 crestfallen when they stay at home alone outweigh the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
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 of limited privacy and freedom. The most advantageous factor of continuing to live under the same roof as their
parents
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 is it allows
teenagers
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 to look after their
parents
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 frequently every day. It must be recognised that when young
people
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 live with their
parents
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, they can supervise their
parents
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' health and diet so they can give their guardians some scientific meals and buy numerous
of
Change preposition
apply
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quality drugs or supplement food to enhance parental figures' health when they become older or
being
Wrong verb form
are
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 ill.
As a result
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, their lifespan will
maintain
Verb problem
last
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 longer
to live
Verb problem
apply
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with their children and they will have some unforgettable memories with their family.
For instance
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,
teenagers
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 usually buy some nutritious food for their
parents
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 to taste to improve their psychiatric system.
Therefore
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, it is easy to understand why
teenagers
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 tend to provide support to their
parents
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 to repay them. Another impact of staying in the family residence is preventing their
parents
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 from feeling lonely or disheartened when left alone at home. It can not be denied that staying with
parents
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,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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means that young
people
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 will return home every day after work, it will create a cheerful atmosphere in their house
due to
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 the fact that it has numerous
people
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 so they can talk with each other
instead
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 of keeping silent.
Consequently
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, the house will become more energetic and the family members will have some positive emotions
so
Correct word choice
apply
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it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can decrease stress and prevent conflicts.
Thus
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, it is not difficult to see cohabiting with their
parents
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 bring about positive factors
about
Change preposition
in
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 mental health.
Conversely
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, some
people
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 say that residing with their
parents
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 leads to a lack of independence and a private life. One of the primary concerns is
teenagers
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 have to report their social time with friends and working time, it will be annoying and they will have no privacy with their favourite things.
This
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 may be true, but by asking for their time in detail,
parents
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 feel secure about the safety of their children.
As a consequence
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,
parents
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 do
this
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 only because they care about their children. Taking all points into account, the possible impact of
people
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 being restricted individual space and liberty is outweighed by taking responsibility for their
parents
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 and ensuring their
parents
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 do not feel abandoned or saddened when they are left by themselves.
Hence
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, sharing a household with their
parents
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 can be more beneficial for
teenagers
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 after receiving their qualifications and taking up employment

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Task achievement
The introduction could be more engaging by stating more clearly the reasons for the advantages and disadvantages. Consider rephrasing for clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your points are relevant, try to present them with varying sentence structures to enhance readability.
Task achievement
Ensure that your examples directly highlight the advantages or disadvantages, as some points could be clearer and better illustrated.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion needs to summarize the main points more effectively, reiterating the position taken in the argument.
Task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion and addresses both sides of the argument, which is commendable.
Coherence and Cohesion
There are good examples of how living with parents can positively impact mental health and family dynamics.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic benefits
  • financial stability
  • emotional support
  • companionship
  • mental health
  • familial obligation
  • strengthen family bonds
  • shared responsibilities
  • household duties
  • cultural influences
  • independence
  • transitional period
  • living expenses
  • career development
  • residential arrangements
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