IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe
art
Use synonyms
 and literature are as significant as other
subjects
Use synonyms
, especially in primary students. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint because the variability of classes gave variable opportunities for students to seek out their talents and gain the balance between right brain and left brain development.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
primary
Add an article
the primary
show examples
 school serves as
best
Add an article
the best
show examples
 period to support
art
Use synonyms
 and
musical
Replace the word
music
show examples
, in which
children
Use synonyms
 have the freedom to access whatever they enjoy
to grow
Change the verb form
growing
show examples
 as formidable talents. Thailand's educational trends are inclined toward math and science programs more than other objects.
As a result
Linking Words
, some students face stress and discouragement
due to
Linking Words
 their incompatibility with these
subjects
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 some
children
Use synonyms
 minimally pass the
minimal passing
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
level in their math and science classes, they have lost their chances to discover their
art
Use synonyms
 and literature talent at a young age and find them later in life.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it became too late to hone those skills and failed to regain their desirable unique skill and
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
 in the future.
In addition
Linking Words
,
art
Use synonyms
 and music are generally approachable
subjects
Use synonyms
 in primary school. Shapes are fundamental in
children
Use synonyms
's development and music does not require knowledge to enjoy them.
Thus
Linking Words
, these strong suit serves as more enjoyable components than other
subjects
Use synonyms
, and become stress relief activities for primary school-age
children
Use synonyms
 which prone to having an adjustment disorder, or separation anxiety from their parents so they would not feel constricted to harsh study programs and enjoy their school life.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I completely agree that
art
Use synonyms
 and music are as significant as other
subjects
Use synonyms
. Because they serve as potential stress relievers and great opportunities to provide chances to discover their talents at a young age, which become key fundamentals to their successful careers in the future.

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task achievement
Try to strengthen your main points with clearer examples, which will improve your score for supported main points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas are logically connected and transition between them more smoothly to enhance coherence and cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
Review your introduction and conclusion to make sure they wrap up your ideas effectively and clearly indicate your overall position.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion on the importance of art and music at the primary level, which is critical for task response.
task achievement
There is a good attempt at discussing the benefits of art and music, showing a good understanding of their impact on students' lives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • fostering
  • emotional intelligence
  • problem-solving skills
  • cultural awareness
  • curriculum
  • engaging
  • memorable
  • nurture
  • talents
  • core subjects
  • academic
  • professional success
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