IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Discuss both views and state your opinion.

Proponents believe that people who have more free
time
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 than money can enjoy their lives far more than those of their opposite group.
This
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 essay will discuss that
although
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 monetary consideration affects people's lives, the matter of having more free
time
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 for a productive lifestyle is crucial for a healthy
life
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. Experiments have shown that part-
time
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time
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 employees consistently outperform their full-
time
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time
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 colleagues on official jobs. Formerly, psychologists concluded that memory and other mental functions in humans deteriorate over
time
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 because of changes in the brain.
Thus
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 mental decline after young adulthood appeared inevitable. The truth,
however
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, is not quite so simple. In fact, there's evidence that deterioration in mental functions can actually be reversed. it is argued by some psychologists that a busy mental lifestyle keeps the human mind fit and people who regularly participate in challenging tasks retain their intellectual abilities better than mental couch potatoes. In some studies, scientists detected a decline in mental function among individuals who underwent lengthy stays somewhere without doing anything for chronic illness. They postulated it might be
due to
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 the mental passivity encouraged by lazy routine. Perhaps even more important than the ability to remember is the ability to manage memory- a mental function known as metamemory.'You could say metamemory is a byproduct of going to school,'says psychologist Robert Kail of Purdue University,'The question-and-answer process,especially exam taking, helps children learn and teaches them how their memory functions.
This
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 may be one reason why the better educated a person is, the more likely they are to perform well in many aspects of
life
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 and in psychological assessments: A group of adult novice chess players were compared with a group of child experts at the game. in conclusion, on a more optimistic note, I personally believe that some mental resources that only improve with more free
life
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 are productivity and quality of
life
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. Research clearly shows that working in a relaxing mode develops family happiness that prevents being mentally sick.

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task achievement
While you have addressed both views in your essay, it could have been more balanced. Make sure to provide a clearer argument for both sides before stating your own opinion. This will strengthen your task response.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction could have clearly stated that the essay will discuss both views and then provide your opinion. This clarity helps in setting the stage for the reader.
task achievement
Your arguments are interesting; however, they could be more connected to the central topic of earning money versus free time. Ensure that every point you make is directly related to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Work on linking your ideas with transition phrases for better flow. For instance, instead of 'Formerly,' consider 'Previously,' or 'In the past,' for a smoother transition between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and word choices; there are some inaccuracies that can distract from the quality of your essay, like 'part-time time employees' which should just be 'part-time employees.'
content
You have some compelling ideas and research that support your points, which adds depth to your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is optimistic and reiterates your belief well, which strengthens your final message.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • facilitating
  • lifestyle
  • professional development
  • increased stress
  • work-life balance
  • hobbies
  • quality time
  • physical and mental health
  • financial constraints
  • luxury items
  • overall well-being
  • personal growth
  • middle ground
  • sacrificing
What to do next:
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