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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that his is improving our lives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 are influenced towards
money
Use synonyms
 and property to live in society. Other
people
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argued
Wrong verb form
argue
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 that
this
Linking Words
 kind of living standard
are
Change the verb form
is
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 improving our lives. In my opinion, both are important in their own structure . In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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i
Change the capitalization
I
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 would like to describe my view as worth considering. In the beginning, if there is no
money
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then
Linking Words
 they feel insecure
to stay
Change preposition
about staying
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 in the environment.
Moreover
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, many
people
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 just wanted to influence their standard just to compare with each other .
For instance
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, they have no idea
to
Correct pronoun usage
what to
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 eat for lunch and dinner
however
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 they
donot
Correct your spelling
do not
 stop to compare with their neighbours. I think
this
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 makes
people
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 greedy and
selfishness
Replace the word
selfish
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. So they
donot
Correct your spelling
do not
 want to help each other and it
makes
Verb problem
causes
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 misunderstanding
among
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
On the other hand
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, cash is necessary in life to handle all the problems.
similarly
Linking Words
 these days nothing can
buy
Wrong verb form
be bought
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 without
money
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. Whenever and wherever we are first we have to think about
money
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.
Hence
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 it makes
people
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to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
know the value of
money
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 and they think twice before they make expenses.
For example
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, they
donot
Correct your spelling
do not
 do any unnecessary shopping as they realize, they save it for their future use. I believe that
money
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 cannot buy emotion and happiness
nevertheless
Linking Words
 it can fulfill the basic needs of a person. In conclusion, many
people
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 just
showup
Correct your spelling
show up
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 their property
whereas
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 not all citizens
are resemble
Change the verb form
are resembled
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. some save the
money
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 and provide that
money
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 to the necessary person like those who cannot work or maybe
disable
Wrong verb form
disabled
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 person . They try to help them by fulfilling
basic
Correct pronoun usage
their basic
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 needs
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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and
understand
Wrong verb form
understanding
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 the value of
money
Use synonyms
.

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coherence and cohesion
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar. Proofreading for minor errors can help enhance the clarity of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure stronger connection and logical progression between your ideas in each paragraph. Aim for more clear transitions to guide the reader.
task achievement
Include more specific and relevant examples that directly relate to the points you’re making. This will strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You demonstrate an understanding of the topic by addressing both sides of the argument, which is commendable.
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