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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many young children are spending large amount of time in front of screens. What are the causes of this and what other problems does it lead to?

Nowadays, the vast majority of kids have an addiction
of
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to
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 using their phones.
This
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 essay will elaborate
the
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on the
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 negative impacts of
this
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 habit and the reasons for
this
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 dilemma. One major cause of why
Use synonyms
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 utilize their smartphones is that these devices have everything. From
teenager's
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a teenager's
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 perspective,
instead
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 of playing outside or watching a movie in the cinema, they can simply do all of
this
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 by having an
Iphone
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iPhone
 which
a
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is a
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lot easier than making a physical effort.
This
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 makes it so tempting for them to spend long hours
infront
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in front
 of screens.
For instance
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, a study published in New York said that 68% of
Use synonyms
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 would rather
to
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apply
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play
vedio
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video
 games over playing at the park because it is way more convenient for them.
Furthermore
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, there are various issues to
this
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 problem. One of these issues is
lack
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the lack
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 of distraction. It's been proven that using your computer predominantly can negatively affect your
concetration
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concentration
.
For example
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, a group of researchers have conducted an
experemint
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experiment
to
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on
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 these young boys, what they found is that
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childern's
Correct your spelling
children's
 focusing ability was enervated by 32% because of spending a long time on modern mobiles. To fix
this
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 problem , parents should mitigate the hours of phone usage.
Moreover
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, fathers who have
a
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apply
show examples
kid
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kids
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 must encourage them to play at the park or to visit the gym. In conclusion,
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Although Ipads
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although iPads
show examples
 can enable young humans to do whatever they want
such
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 as reading
e books
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e-books
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 and watching
Sport
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Sports
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 matches,
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childern
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children
 need to approach outdoor activities in the real world
not
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, not
show examples
 the virtual one.
In addition
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, Mothers and fathers had better
to
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apply
show examples
allocate
specefic
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specific
 minutes
of
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apply
show examples
staying
infront
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in front
 of the screen for the sake of protecting their sons from lack of
concetration
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concentration
.

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coherence
Improve the logical progression of ideas between paragraphs for better cohesion.
coherence
Make sure to proofread for spelling and grammatical errors.
task achievement
Develop more comprehensive ideas in each paragraph to enhance the depth of your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that all claims made are supported with relevant examples and explanations.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task by identifying causes and problems related to screen time among children.
coherence
The introduction provides a clear overview of the essay's main focus.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive screen time
  • digital devices
  • interactive content
  • remote learning
  • social interaction
  • engagement
  • convenience
  • traditional playtime
  • screen dependency
  • educational purposes
  • video games
  • streaming services
  • captivate
  • shift in daily routines
  • peer connection
What to do next:
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