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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many parts of the world, people are living longer than they used to. Some believe this can cause problems, while others think an aging population can bring advantages for businesses, governments, and society as a whole. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In recent years, the life expectancy of
people
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 has increased noticeably than it once was.
While
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 some argue that it causes financial pressure for the
government
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, l firmly believe that ageing can actually trigger some positive consequences as older
people
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 can be a source of an experienced workforce. Admittedly, the
number
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 of
people
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 who are living longer is rising thanks to medical developments.
However
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, it is not without its drawbacks as it can actually lead to financial pressures for the
government
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. Almost all older individuals receive a certain amount of pension when they retire. Having paid by the budget, the
government
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 does not benefit in return. If the
number
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 of elderly goes on to increase, covering retirement fees might be a challenge for the
government
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, resulting in a shortage of money.
For example
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, in Uzbekistan, despite having a relatively small
number
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 of older
people
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, the responsible authorities fail to pay pensions on time, delaying it to later days of the month or mentioning their sorrow for being unable to pay.
Therefore
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, a lot of older
people
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 can seriously raise financial concerns in every country. Despite these, l still remain convinced that advantages gain more weight as businesses and communities may flourish with the help of an experienced workforce.
In other words
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, older
people
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 are an obvious source of experience in which they may easily combat issues
due to
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 their sufficient experience. As an example, old
people
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 are already familiar with troubles that can be met at work, leading to solving the issue without any hesitation or confusion. As for the community, future generations can take advantage of their grandparents and follow their a piece of advice without experiencing failure.
Therefore
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, increasing the life expectancy of
people
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 plays a pivotal role in mitigating social or work issues. In conclusion,
while
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 the authorities may struggle with financial pressure
due to
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 the high amount of pension
together with
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 the significant
number
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 of
people
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, l consider that the elderly are a crucial part of our lives.

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Task Achievement
The introduction could benefit from providing a clearer outline of both views. Additionally, a stronger thesis statement could enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to improve logical flow and coherence between points. A smooth transition between ideas can enhance readability.
Task Achievement
While you provide relevant examples, adding more specific details or statistics could strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
Task Achievement
You have successfully presented both sides of the argument, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your opinion, reinforcing the importance of elderly individuals in society.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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