IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

A debatable discussion point is whether extracurricular modules should be eliminated from the educational framework for
students
Use synonyms
 to alleviate academic stress. The author of
this
Linking Words
 essay disagrees with learners' non-study of non-core subjects because of loss of life skills and lack of physical fitness. It is vital to understand that getting rid of practical
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 of studies will not assist humans in the future.
Due to
Linking Words
 the fact that people will need life skills to rescue and survive
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in some difficult situations when they are alone without anyone's help.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, they will have some real experiences and know numerous
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
ways to escape from dangers by themselves.
Therefore
Linking Words
, a plan for teaching
non-academic
Correct article usage
a non-academic
show examples
 schedule is an advisable course of action. Another key
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
component of the case for deleting extracurricular subjects is decreasing
physical
Correct article usage
the physical
show examples
 fitness of pupils with a weak physical condition. It should be self-evident that not taking any outdoor activities courses will make
students
Use synonyms
 become
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 and they can not stand
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
harsh weather conditions. In
this
Linking Words
 situation,
students
Use synonyms
 will be infected because of
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 immune systems in their bodies and
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 injury rate when playing sports. It must
also
Linking Words
 be noted that without physical health,
students
Use synonyms
 will have more diseases and can not do anything well.
Thus
Linking Words
, it can be seen that inadequate life skills and poor physical condition are valid arguments for schools to consider.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it should have been demonstrated that vocational educational
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 are necessary in educational institutes.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The introduction presents the topic well but could be clearer regarding your stance. Make sure to directly state your position on the issue at hand in a more straightforward manner.
coherence
The body paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that summarize the main point of each paragraph. This would help readers follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
There is a need for more specific examples to support your arguments about life skills and physical health that are derived from non-academic subjects. Grounding your claims in concrete examples enhances your essay’s persuasiveness.
coherence
Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes your main arguments and reiterates your position clearly, providing a strong ending to your essay.
task achievement
You have identified important reasons for retaining non-academic subjects, such as life skills and physical health, which are relevant to the topic.
coherence
The overall structure of your essay, while needing improvement, shows an understanding of organization into introduction, body, and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: