IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

To improve children’s lives, mothers and fathers should attend parenting and child development courses every year. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It has been perceived that parents must attend yearly courses in order to succeed in
upbringing
Verb problem
raising
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 their child. I vehemently advocate
this
Linking Words
 notion as it enables parents to differentiate between
appropriate
Correct article usage
the appropriate
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 development of adolescents and the warning signs of psychological diseases. In
this
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 essay, I will expand my argument
why
Change preposition
on why
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 I would suggest
such
Linking Words
 courses. The primary argument in favour of
this
Linking Words
 is that loads of people choose
late-parenthood
Correct your spelling
late parenthood
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, which leads to difficulty in understanding their children’s behaviour because of the enormous age gap.
Additionally
Linking Words
, older mothers tend to diagnose their children with psychological diseases and label them for a lifetime, whilst the young
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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 does not have any just being different
than
Change preposition
from
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 what
he
Correct your spelling
the
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 elderly are used to.
For instance
Linking Words
, a young girl was accused of anorexia nervosa and was added
extra
Correct article usage
an extra
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 100 grams of fat
in
Change preposition
to
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 their meal all by her mother. Whilst, the young girl did not have anorexia nervosa, she later developed liver failure
due to
Linking Words
 the excessive fat that was given by the parent.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, neglectful parenting is just as dangerous as the previous pattern was. A key factor leading to irresponsibility towards one’s children is likely
due to
Linking Words
 young parenthood.
As a result
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 of young parenthood the constant focus on children is less relevant, since these mothers are usually more lenient in their twenties because they have not experienced much disappointment and
not
Add a missing verb
are not
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 all about the news and consciousness yet.
However
Linking Words
 it seems as an advantage, it can be
life threatening
Add a hyphen
life-threatening
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 for the child
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 If the mother is unfamiliar with certain symptoms and conditions, that mothers in their forties would know. To illustrate, in
Canada
Add a comma
Canada,
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 a young lady gave a load of raspberries to her
6 months old
Correct your spelling
6-month-old
 toddler, and the baby died of an allergic reaction.
Were
Verb problem
Had
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 the lady
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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read through how to introduce allergens in a toddler's diet, the baby would have still been alive. In conclusion, I would endorse the idea of parenting education
for improving
Change preposition
to improve
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 young
adults
Change noun form
adults'
adult's
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 mental health by fostering a respectful and empathetic home environment.
Moreover
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,
this
Linking Words
 initiation would mitigate neglectful parenthood, which is known
for
Change preposition
as
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 one of the key factors leading to
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 death.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure all points are clear and easy to follow.
task achievement
Provide more examples or details to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with grammar and sentence structure for better readability.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good structure with an introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You present valid arguments for your point of view.
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