IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Watching television is bad for children. Use specific details and examples to support your answer.

There are two different opinions about watching
television
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especially
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, especially
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on
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for
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kids
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. Some
people
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 strongly advocate that
television
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 is beneficial for
children
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 because of educational programs. They point out that if parents use media sources efficiently,
kids
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 tend to learn faster and improve their speaking and listening abilities.
But
Correct word choice
On
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on the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
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 consider that the impact of screen exposure on
children
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’s development is harmful in various ways. They indicate that watching
television
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make
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makes
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children
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 lazier and an imbalance in their hormones
such
Linking Words
 as dopamine. In my point of view,
kids
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 should be kept away from screens till
age
Add an article
the age
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 of 7 which means until they start
to
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apply
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elementary school. Parents cannot control how they consume media constantly and it causes some problems
such
Linking Words
us
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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over
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as
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consuming
Verb problem
overconsuming
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 and watching dangerous videos. Some videos contain violent scenes
such
Linking Words
 as
fight
Fix the agreement mistake
fights
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, usage of guns and bad language. It leads to
normalize
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normalising
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 these
behaviors
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behaviours
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on
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in
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kids
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 and they can’t draw a clear line
about
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between
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 what is good and bad.
Additionally
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, advertisements on
television
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 make
children
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 always want more and never teach
meaning
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the meaning
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 of ‘enough’. The toy advertisements have a huge impact on them and they start to compare themselves with their friends about who
have
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has
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 the newest toy and if they don’t have it, they can feel left behind. The advertisements can
also
Linking Words
 encourage
kids
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eat
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to eat
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 more junk food because of
this
Linking Words
 and it creates unhealthy eating habits. Eating habits are one of the most fundamental
thing
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things
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 in human life and it begins to form from childhood. In conclusion, watching
television
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 has more detrimental consequences than most
people
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 think.
People
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 should let their
kids
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to
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apply
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watch it when they
able
Add a missing verb
are able
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 to sense and consider some basic significant
human-behavior
Correct your spelling
human behaviour
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.
Children
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 should grow by socializing with their same ages and their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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 rather than experiencing life from behind the screens.

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task achievement
Strengthen the introduction by clearly stating your thesis. Summarize both viewpoints clearly before stating your own. This will help the reader clearly understand the opposition and your position.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more smoothly with a wider range of linking words (e.g., furthermore, in addition, however, etc.) to improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments, particularly regarding the impact of advertisements and violent content. This will enhance the depth of your response.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear argument against television for children, supported by relevant points about violence and advertisements.
coherence and cohesion
The use of paragraphs is appropriate and helps to organize ideas effectively throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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