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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In today’s society, young people are under increasing pressure to perform well in their academic studies. As a consequence, some individuals argue that non-academic subjects—such as physical education and cooking—should be excluded from the school curriculum to allow students to focus entirely on core academic areas. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The increasing pressure on young people to excel academically has led some to advocate for the removal of non-academic
subjects
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 like physical education and cooking from school curricula.
While
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 reducing academic stress is a valid concern, eliminating these
subjects
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 would be detrimental, undermining the holistic development of
students
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 and ultimately hindering their long-term success. The argument for focusing solely on core academic
subjects
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 rests on the assumption that
this
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 approach will improve academic performance.
However
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,
this
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 ignores the crucial role of non-academic
subjects
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 in fostering essential life
skills
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. Practical
subjects
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such
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 as cooking and home economics equip
students
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 with the knowledge and
skills
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 necessary for independent living, promoting self-sufficiency and reducing reliance on external support. These
skills
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 are not only valuable in their own right but
also
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 contribute to a student's
overall
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 well-being and ability to manage stress effectively.
Furthermore
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, the exclusion of physical education would have significant negative consequences for
students
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' physical and mental health. Regular physical activity is essential for maintaining a healthy weight, boosting the immune system, and improving cognitive function. Physical education not only promotes physical fitness but
also
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 teaches valuable lessons in teamwork, discipline, and resilience – qualities that are transferable to academic pursuits and beyond. The long-term health and well-being of
students
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 would be severely compromised by the removal of
this
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 crucial element of the curriculum. In conclusion,
while
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 the pressure on
students
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 to perform academically is a legitimate concern, the solution is not to curtail educational opportunities by removing valuable non-academic
subjects
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. A balanced curriculum that integrates both academic and non-academic
subjects
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 is essential for fostering well-rounded individuals who are equipped to thrive both academically and in life beyond school. The benefits of developing essential life
skills
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 and promoting physical and mental well-being far outweigh the perceived advantages of a narrowly focused academic curriculum.

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task achievement
The essay successfully presents a clear argument against the removal of non-academic subjects. However, consider including more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your points. This could enhance your task achievement score.
coherence and cohesion
While your logical structure is strong, you may improve cohesion by using a wider range of cohesive devices to link your ideas more fluidly. This will further engage readers and improve the flow of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly states the main argument and sets the stage for the discussion, which is a strong point in the coherence and cohesion criteria.
task achievement
The essay eloquently discusses the importance of non-academic subjects, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic and well-delivered arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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