IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is often argued that a society's happiness is best achieved by minimizing the
income
Use synonyms
 disparity between its wealthiest and poorest citizens.
While
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 a degree of
income
Use synonyms
 difference may be inevitable, I disagree with the notion that maximizing
this
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 gap leads to a happier society. In fact, I believe that reducing the gap fosters greater
overall
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 well-being.
Firstly
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, significant
income
Use synonyms
 inequality creates disparities in quality of life. Wealthier individuals can afford a higher standard of living,
Correct word choice
and accessing
show examples
accessing
Replace the word
access
show examples
 better healthcare, housing, and leisure
opportunities
Use synonyms
.
This
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 allows them to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their basic needs and pursue self-actualization.
In contrast
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, those with lower incomes often struggle to afford essential goods and services, leading to stress and insecurity.
For instance
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, they may face difficult choices between paying for food or rent, negatively impacting their physical and mental health.
This
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 disparity in basic necessities undermines social cohesion and
overall
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 happiness.
Secondly
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, unequal
income
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 distribution limits access to
opportunities
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, particularly in education and employment. Elite universities,
such
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 as Oxford, offer superior resources, instruction from leading academics, and valuable networking
opportunities
Use synonyms
.
However
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, these institutions are often financially inaccessible to those from lower socioeconomic backgrounds.
This
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 creates a cycle of disadvantage, where those from wealthy families have a greater likelihood of attending prestigious universities and securing high-paying jobs,
while
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 those from less affluent backgrounds are often limited to less prestigious institutions and lower-paying careers.
This
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 lack of social mobility can breed resentment and diminish
overall
Linking Words
 societal happiness. In conclusion,
while
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 complete
income
Use synonyms
 equality may be unrealistic, I firmly believe that minimizing the gap between the rich and poor is crucial for creating a happier society. Reducing
income
Use synonyms
 disparity promotes a more equitable quality of life, expands
opportunities
Use synonyms
 for all, and fosters social cohesion, ultimately leading to greater
overall
Linking Words
 well-being.

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task achievement
Ensure all main points are evenly developed to enhance the argument's depth. For example, consider elaborating more on the social implications of reduced income disparity, or providing additional examples of successful societal models.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally well-structured, varying the range of cohesive devices could enhance the flow. Try incorporating different linking phrases to further guide the reader through each section.
task achievement
The essay presents a strong argument with clear and comprehensive ideas throughout the discussion, articulating the importance of reducing income disparity effectively.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is clear, with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that effectively summarizes the main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • income inequality
  • distribution of wealth
  • social cohesion
  • social unrest
  • crime rates
  • economic equality
  • overall well-being
  • health outcomes
  • education outcomes
  • motivation
  • innovation
  • equal opportunities
  • wealth redistribution
  • economic growth
  • productivity
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