IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In spite of improvement in the healthcare by governments many people in developed countries are suffering from overweight and obesity. What are the causes of this and what other the impacts

The developed
Correct article usage
Developed
show examples
 nations
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 always been praised by the world how
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
top class
Add a hyphen
top-class
show examples
 facilities especially the education and health, they provide to their citizens. In spite of improvement in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthcare by the governments, a plethora of
people
Use synonyms
 in progressed countries are suffering from overweight and obesity. There could be different causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem.
First,
Linking Words
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
community
Change noun form
community's
show examples
 tendency towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
Use synonyms
. In developed
socities
Correct your spelling
societies
, habitants are too busy with their
work
Use synonyms
, and in achievement of their goal
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they do not have
time
Use synonyms
 for cooking, so they just prefer canned
food
Use synonyms
 most of the
time
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 contains a lot of additives to make it tastier, but at the same
time
Use synonyms
 it contains a lot of salt, sugar and carbohydrates which cause
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
weight gain and ultimately
making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
people
Use synonyms
obsesy
Correct your spelling
obsess
obese
obey
.
Thus
Linking Words
, prepacked
food
Use synonyms
 is one of the
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
 of overweight, as most of the
time
Use synonyms
 their maker does not show the correct amount of elements it contains.
Second,
Linking Words
usage
Correct article usage
the usage
show examples
 of technology in developed areas is on
other level
Change the wording
another level
other levels
show examples
, most of the
work
Use synonyms
 has been shifted to
online
Correct article usage
an online
show examples
mood
Correct your spelling
mode
show examples
, and
people
Use synonyms
 just
handling
Wrong verb form
handle
show examples
 their
work
Use synonyms
 on
computer
Correct article usage
a computer
show examples
 by sitting in a single place. Earlier
people
Use synonyms
 used to move a lot in their offices and
also
Linking Words
for going
Change preposition
to go
show examples
 to their
work
Use synonyms
, but now it has changed.
Above all
Linking Words
 modern means of communication
making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 the situation
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
worse,
be
Correct your spelling
by
show examples
 making
people
Use synonyms
 addicted, to their electronics.
As a
Linking Words
consequence
Add a comma
consequence,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are becoming lazy and their physical movements decrease, eventually
results
Wrong verb form
resulting
show examples
 in obesity. As far as I'm
concern
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
, the dependence on technology should be reduced,
people
Use synonyms
 should use bicycles for their near
work
Use synonyms
 as they used to do in the past.
Above all
Linking Words
,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
serious attention needs to be paid to eating
habbits
Correct your spelling
habits
 and
timing
Correct article usage
the timing
show examples
 of sleep.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider refining the introduction to clearly outline the main points you will discuss in your essay. This will provide a more focused direction for your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph should ideally open with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea for that paragraph. This will help improve clarity in your writing.
task achievement
When mentioning fast food and its impact, consider providing specific examples or statistics to enhance your argument and provide evidence.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to maintain a consistent tone and style throughout your essay. Avoid using phrases like 'making the situation more worse' as it can detract from your overall message.
task achievement
You have successfully identified relevant causes of obesity and overweight in developed nations, which is key to addressing the prompt.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the issue at hand, reflecting awareness of social behaviors influencing health.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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