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Writing Samples
Band 6

Music should not be taught in schools along with other subjects such as computers and science. Do you agree or disagree?

A faction of the population holds the notion that
music
Use synonyms
 should not be a part of
academic
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the academic
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 curriculum with other imperative subjects
such
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 as information technology
as well as
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 science.
This
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 essay is in accordance with the given statement as there are manifold reasons to substantiate it.  In
this
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 technology-driven world, academic knowledge, arguably, has greater importance than
music
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 in making a person successful.
In addition
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, allocating time for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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music
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 lessons would dwindle the time needed to teach unavoidable subjects
such
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 as information technology and mathematics.
Besides
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, for families who struggle to meet the educational needs of their children,
music
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 classes would become an extra financial burden.
For instance
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, musical instruments like the Guitar needed to practice are not affordable for the downtrodden.
Furthermore
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, regular musical classes are unnecessary to bring out the latent talents in a child
when
Correct word choice
while
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 competitions conducted at schools could do the same. Not only youth festivals but
also
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 cultural days conducted annually at schools are the best examples of the above case.
Moreover
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, since
music
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 teachers tend to get less encouragement from school
managements
Fix the agreement mistake
management
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, the quality of
music
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 classes is
also
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 questionable in nature.
Nevertheless
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,
although
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music
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 is good for relaxation and entertainment for students, developing a career out of it is difficult for most children is a fact which should not be overlooked. In short,
music
Use synonyms
 could act as a stress-buster for scholars, but it would become an extra financial burden for parents, reduce the time needed for other subjects, and so on. Ergo, I strongly believe that educational institutions should not include
music
Use synonyms
 as a part of schooling.

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task achievement
The argument is well-structured and presents a clear stance. However, providing a more balanced view or discussing potential benefits of music education could enhance your argument and show comprehensive consideration of the topic.
task achievement
Ensure that all main points are thoroughly supported with specific examples. While you presented a few examples, including more detailed instances or case studies could strengthen your points further.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical flow and clear progression of ideas. Transition phrases and linking words are effectively used, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure that the introduction clearly presents your thesis statement, and the conclusion summarizes the main argument more succinctly. This will help reinforce your position throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion that address the topic head-on.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples and arguments to support your viewpoint, enhancing the persuasiveness of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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