IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy something. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both these views and give your pwn opinion.

Advertising is seen as a significant part of the modern society.
While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 suppose advertising plays a crucial role in our consuming life, there are still some individuals
think
Correct pronoun usage
who think
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 it does not always affect us because of the enormous amount of
advertisements
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.
This
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 essay will evaluate whether
the
Correct article usage
apply
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advertising can affect
people
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’s buying decisions. One of the opinions is that
people
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 would like to buy something
due to
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 advertising’s influence. It is true that advertisement
designer
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designers
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 are good at digging
consumers'
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into consumers'
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 deeper demands, not just different
stuffs
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kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
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, but
also
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 social privileges and better life.
For example
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, a jewellery advertisement may create a specific scene which includes a gorgeous model, a shining fancy ceremony and
people
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's admiration. All these things cultivate
people
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 ’s imagination successfully , they are telling their potential
costumers
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customers
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that
you
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 will be as pretty and admirable as
this
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 model if
you
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 buy our jewellery.
However
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, some
people
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also
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 insist that
adverting
Correct your spelling
advertising
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 does not
has
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have
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such
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 influence. One of the key
reason
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reasons
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 is that our life is surrounded by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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huge numbers of
advertisements
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, they are on our phones, televisions and almost on every
streets
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street
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 and subway
stations
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station
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, everywhere and every moment.
Therefore
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people
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 are already used to it, and
usually
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usually,
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 we don't spend our time reading advertising so we are hardly affected by them. But there are always some outstanding
advertisements
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attract
Correct pronoun usage
that attract
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 our eyes,
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although
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and although
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 maybe we won't buy their products in the end, we can't help
ignore
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but ignore
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 them. In conclusion,
although
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people
Use synonyms
 in contemporary society are accustomed to immersing themselves in the world of advertising, sometimes we still are attracted by some particular
advertisements
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 because they catch our deeper demands or they are too noticeable. The influence of advertising should be evaluated by their
creativit
Correct your spelling
creativity
 and personal
circumstance
Fix the agreement mistake
circumstances
show examples
.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction could be more engaging. Consider starting with a general statement about the impact of advertising on society before stating your thesis.
task achievement
Some sentences contain grammatical inaccuracies. It's important to proofread your work to correct these mistakes, which can enhance clarity and fluency.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to provide a smoother transition between ideas and paragraphs to improve the overall flow.
task achievement
Your conclusion is a bit abrupt. It could benefit from summarizing the key points discussed in the essay.
task achievement
You effectively present both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as the jewellery advertisement, demonstrates an ability to apply your points to real-world situations.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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