IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that a competitive environment
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many aspects is better than a collaborative one,
while
Linking Words
 others believe in the opposite way.
In
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To
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 some extent,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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competition
Use synonyms
 can make a nation become less productive
due to
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 a stressful condition. In my opinion,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
collaboration is much better for a country to get a common goal in a proper way. A
competition
Use synonyms
 can motivate
people
Use synonyms
 to give their best efforts to be a winner in every part of their
live
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lives
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. Their individual goals eventually can affect the performance of the group
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to where
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where
Correct word choice
which
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 they belong
to
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apply
show examples
. For
examples
Fix the agreement mistake
example
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, employees who can be awarded an innovation achievement can contribute a new technology to their company, so it can operate efficiently. But as a negative effect,
this
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 situation can make
people
Use synonyms
 to be more individualistic and too ambitious. They will do anything even though it will
injury
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injure
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 their surroundings, and
finally
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, they will be depressed.
In
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On
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other
Correct article usage
the other
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 side, by doing collaboration, everyone will work together to grasp a certain goal. Each
of
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apply
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person has
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
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 own strengths and weaknesses.
For instance
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, an employee in a company has good competencies in finance,
while
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 others have better skills in engineering. They do not have to compete
each
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with each
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 other, but by working together they can give the best result for their company.
In addition
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, they will get less pressure, because they can do not have to be perfect. In conclusion, a collaborative movement will be more beneficial for a society because it can assemble the competencies of each individual to be a great power in achieving common goals.
A
Remove the article
Competition
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competition
Use synonyms
 can make
people
Use synonyms
 go in their own direction, which eventually will make an organization less effective.
Besides
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, a
Use synonyms
competition
Replace the word
competitive
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 atmosphere can the mental health of the group members.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
Try to elaborate on your examples to provide a deeper understanding of how competition and collaboration impact productivity and innovation in real-life scenarios.
grammar and language use
Ensure grammatical accuracy, for instance, the phrase 'in other side' should be 'on the other hand' and 'can the mental health' should be 'can harm the mental health'.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and attempts to discuss both sides of the argument, which is a commendable approach.
task achievement
You make good use of examples to illustrate your points, demonstrating an understanding of both competition and collaboration.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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