IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries people's weight has significantly increased while their level of health have decreased. What do you think may be the causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest to solve this problem?

Some countries have experienced a
rose
Replace the word
rise
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 obesity cases
along with
Linking Words
 lower life expectancy. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 has become a serious problem especially when you
realized
Wrong verb form
realise
show examples
 that it is way easier to gain access to healthy food and sports
center
Fix the agreement mistake
centers
show examples
 compared to the old days. What could be the root problem is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it is because technology is so advanced these days it allows people to get all their necessities all with a single click from their phone.

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Task Achievement
Consider expanding on the causes of obesity and decreased health beyond just technology. It would strengthen your argument to discuss factors like dietary habits, lifestyle changes, and societal influences.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to clearly structure your essay with distinct paragraphs for the introduction, body, and conclusion. This will improve coherence and help guide your reader through your argument.
Task Achievement
Adding specific examples or statistics to support your points would enhance your arguments and provide a clearer insight into the issues discussed.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses an important and relevant issue, which shows an understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have made a good attempt to link technology with health issues, which is an interesting angle.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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