IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, celebrities complain about the way the media publicizes their private lives. Some people say that they should accept it as part of their fame. Do you agree or disagree?

In
this
Linking Words
 developed world, In some nations famous personalities show their resentment against the way, the press makes their life public. A few people consider that they must accept it as part of their success. I disagree with the view that celebrities have to accept the manner in which their private lives are made public by the media. It is undeniable that they are in the spotlight and want to be popular by choice.
Firstly
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, celebrities are already under a lot of pressure to perform well, as they are public figures and are always in the public eye. On one hand, it is true that media coverage plays a significant role in building and sustaining a celebrity's career.
Secondly
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, these celebs are role models for the people. When any negative side of their private life is exposed, their followers think it
glamorous
Add a missing verb
is glamorous
show examples
 to do the same, which is definitely detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society as a whole.
For example
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, if people come to know that the celeb they adore, smokes and drinks in private life, they think there is nothing wrong in doing so and
also
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 copy their idol.
To sum up
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, They achieved their fame through their own efforts and they have the right to present it to the public, but they should not promote evil like tobacco, alcohol and so on.

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task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines your position, which is great. However, you could enhance it by briefly mentioning the importance of privacy for public figures upfront.
coherence and cohesion
In your body paragraphs, consider using more diverse linking words or phrases to connect your ideas more cohesively and create smoother transitions. For example, phrases like 'in addition' or 'moreover' can help strengthen logical progression.
task achievement
While your arguments are generally clear, you could develop them further with more specific examples or statistics to illustrate your points comprehensively.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion provides a strong summary of your key arguments and reiterates your main opinion clearly, as this reinforces your stance effectively.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear opinion that is consistently maintained throughout, which is crucial for high task achievement.
task achievement
The argument regarding the influence of celebrities on society is well-articulated, showcasing a good understanding of the topic's implications.
task achievement
Your use of examples, like smoking and drinking, effectively illustrates the potential negative impacts of media exposure on celebrities' lives and their influence over fans.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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