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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many places, people’s lifestyle is changing rapidly, and this affects family relationships. Do you think the advantages of those developments outweigh the disadvantages?

Behaviours and manners of
people
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 are changing significantly in several countries because of the globalization trend. Most
people
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 nowadays have a really busy
life
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, and
this
Linking Words
 has both positive and negative effects on the relationships of family members. I believe that
this
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 trend has more drawbacks than benefits because
although
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 a changing lifestyle gives
people
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 more chances to develop and achieve success, it is harmful to family relationships because they will have less time for their families. On the one hand, changing one's mode of living to stay up-to-date gives
people
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 more chances to make themselves more perfect.
People
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 will have to try harder to study and work so that they can be successful and
thus
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 upgrade their social level.
For example
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,
people
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 in several regions of Vietnam, who used to have a slow and peaceful
life
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 because there was not much competition, have to try their best to study and work all day to compete for a high-paying job nowadays.
As a result
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, many of them can now earn an annual income that might be equal to their parents' whole
life
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 income.
On the other hand
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, spending time pursuing a new, busy, and pressured way of
life
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 is detrimental to family connections. Young
people
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 nowadays always have to rush to work or school, and
consequently
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, some even do not have time to speak to their parents on weekdays.
This
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 makes the links among family members weaker and weaker.
For instance
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, thousands of young
people
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 in HCMC answered in a survey that they still had to go to extra classes in the evening after coming back from a long working day to continuously upgrade their knowledge and skills so that they could meet the increasing demands of employers.
This
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 is really pushing
people
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 far away from their loved ones and may lead to some breaks in family relationships. In conclusion, I am convinced that, despite some benefits
such
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 as a successful career or a good income, the negative effects of lifestyle changes far outweigh the positive ones because they weaken the bonds between family members.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more explicit statement of your position early in the introduction to guide the reader effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that you use varied linking words and phrases to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
You might include counterarguments or consider addressing the advantages more fully to present a balanced view.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, asserting that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, which is a strong aspect of task response.
task achievement
Good use of examples, particularly the references to Vietnam, adds depth to your argument and helps clarify your points.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is evident, with distinct paragraphs for each main point, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
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