IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem?

Worldwide, there are numerous states, finding
themselve
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themselves
 more and more confronted with childhood obesity. The reasons for that
steady
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steadily
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 growing problem are manifold. In the following
wrtining
Correct your spelling
writing
, we will try to cover
this
Linking Words
 issue
more
Change preposition
in more
show examples
detailed
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detail
show examples
 to find the reasons and
also
Linking Words
 possibilities to engage that medical problem. One crucial factor when talking about obese children
,
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apply
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 is based on nutrition and consuming food in general.
While
Linking Words
consuming
Replace the word
consumption
show examples
 rates of
fast-food
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fast food
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raises
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rise
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, eating vegetables and fruits
are
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is
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 decreasing. Many industrial
products
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 are promoted by the industry to be healthy and full of important ingredients. Often, the reality is the opposite. Artificial flavours and many different kinds of sugar and sugar-like substances are being added to several
products
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, that seem healthy. Causing obsessions to that sort of
Use synonyms
products
Fix the agreement mistake
product
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 already at the age of a young human is often the first step to obesity. Another attractive point is, that
fast-food
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fast food
show examples
 is easy to get and less time consuming than cooking a meal for your children. In a
western
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Western
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 world, where parents don't have that time anymore
due to
Linking Words
 the pressure they are confronted with at their jobs, those
food-stands
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food stands
show examples
at
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on
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 the street on their way home come in handy. That assumption is, in fact, a dead end. At least,
that is
Linking Words
 what the industry
want
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wants
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 you to think about delivering nutrition with basic
ingedrients
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ingredients
. We have
enlightend
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enlightened
 some reasons
of
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for
show examples
 childhood obesity. Now we will look at possible preventions, that can be done by individuals or the state as a
govermental
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governmental
 approach. At
first,
Linking Words
governments could force the major
food-companies
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food companies
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 to tell the truth to the
costumers
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customers
show examples
. That can be done by adding little
information-banners
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information banners
show examples
 to all kinds of
products
Use synonyms
 containing sugar or sugar-like materials.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 an
information-campaign
Correct your spelling
information campaign
show examples
 could be approached to inform parents about nutrition and how to integrate vegetables and fruits more often into daily meals.

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task achievement
Make sure to proofread your work for spelling errors (e.g., "wrtining" should be "writing" and "ingedrients" should be "ingredients"). Such errors can detract from the overall clarity of your essay.
task achievement
Improve the clarity of your argument by using more specific examples and evidence to support your claims about childhood obesity and possible solutions. For instance, you could mention specific initiatives that have worked in other countries.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are well-structured with clear topic sentences and relationships between ideas for better logical flow. Try to connect each idea smoothly so that the reader can follow your argument easily.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction could be clearer by explicitly stating the main points you will discuss. This will help set clearer expectations for the reader.
task achievement
You show a good understanding of the issue of childhood obesity and its complexities, which indicates strong awareness of the topic.
task achievement
Your discussion of nutrition's impact on childhood obesity is relevant and reflects a clear understanding of one of the contributing factors to the problem.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • balanced diet
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • health campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • government regulations
  • home-cooked meals
  • extracurricular sports
  • digital entertainment
  • sedentary behavior
What to do next:
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