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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The given bar chart illustrates activities that
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 took in the evening at an adult education
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 in 2009,
while
Linking Words
 the pie chart displays the
age
Use synonyms
 distribution of these
participants
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, more
females
Use synonyms
 took part in the evening courses than
males
Use synonyms
 in all categories, except for sculpture.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the majority of
particpants
Correct your spelling
participants
 are 50 or over
while
Linking Words
participants
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 under 20 accounted for the least. Concerning the
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of men and women participating in different evening courses, men made up the most
participants
Use synonyms
. Specifically, 40
males
Use synonyms
 joined
Correct article usage
the languege
show examples
languege
Correct your spelling
language
course
Use synonyms
, doubling that of
females
Use synonyms
.
Similarly
Linking Words
, men
also
Linking Words
 doubled women in drama
course
Use synonyms
taker
Fix the agreement mistake
takers
show examples
, at 20 members. Regarding
painting
Correct article usage
the painting
show examples
course
Use synonyms
, there were roughly 25
females
Use synonyms
 taking
this
Linking Words
 evening
course
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 the figure for
males
Use synonyms
 is slightly higher, at 30
paricipants
Correct your spelling
participants
. For sculpture which was the least taken
course
Use synonyms
, the number of
Use synonyms
males
Fix the agreement mistake
male
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
females
Fix the agreement mistake
female
show examples
 members is 5 and 10, respectively. Turning to the
age
Use synonyms
 of the
participants
Use synonyms
, evening courses were taken mostly by the oldest
group
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
aged 50 or over, at 42% of the total. For the 40-49
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, 26% of the
course
Use synonyms
 members fell into
this
Linking Words
group
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 other
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 instituted for smaller proportion at 5%, 11% and 16%, in the order of the ascending
age
Use synonyms
 bracket.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words males, females, age, participants, course, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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