IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without per-mission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is considered by some
people
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 that public
privacy
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such
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 as call recordings or messages should be easily attained by the government.
However
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, some
people
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 believe that there should be
privacy
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 in personal life. I believe that the government should have access to check
people
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's mobile phones whenever needed for safety reasons. On the one hand , there is no doubt that messages and call recordings can be easily accessed by
people
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 who have their usernames or passwords. To cite an example, the users of Rogers company do have their own account, by which other
people
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 come to know whom they are making calls and so on. Moving
further
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,
this
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 service will
also
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 become helpful in any case of emergencies to contact other family members.
On the other hand
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, any kind of interference in
people
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's
privacy
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 can lead to a serious crime. First of all,
people
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 can exchange information and they can use that for false purposes.
Moreover
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, if there is that much transparency in sharing personal life
then
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 it will
also
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 lead to spam and cyberattacks . I believe that nobody should have the right to disturb the
privacy
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 of their personal life until and unless it is permitted to do so.

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task achievement
Your introduction could benefit from more clarity. Consider restating the topic more directly and clearly outlining the points you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs need clearer topic sentences to guide the reader through your arguments. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea.
task achievement
Strengthen your examples by providing more specific details. This will enhance your arguments and improve your task response.
task achievement
You've presented both perspectives on the issue, showing an understanding of the topic from different viewpoints.
coherence and cohesion
The essay generally follows a logical progression of ideas, indicating a good awareness of coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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