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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Caring for children is probably the most important thing in society. It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take childcare training courses. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

Childcare
Use synonyms
 plays a fundamental role in a child’s development and in shaping the future of society. Some believe that taking part in
childcare
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 courses can ensure that they are well-prepared and
be
Wrong verb form
are
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 given
a
Correct article usage
apply
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guideline
Fix the agreement mistake
guidelines
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 to parent their
children
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.
While
Linking Words
 I believe that the ‘training courses’ are
valueable
Correct your spelling
valuable
,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I do not believe
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 should be compulsory. On the one hand, it is undoubtedly that
childcare
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 is important. Some
parents
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 may become uncertain when they first become fathers or mothers.
Children
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 in each development stage have different
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 to achieve,
for
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
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 kids in
infant
Correct article usage
the infant
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 stage develop intimacy with their
parents
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,
while
Linking Words
 in
toddler
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the toddler
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 stage cultivate selfness.
Linking Words
Similarly
Add a comma
Similarly,
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parents
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also
Linking Words
holds
Change the verb form
hold
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 various
responsibility
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responsibilities
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 in each
stages
Change to a singular noun
stage
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,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 may
seems
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seem
show examples
pressure
Change preposition
like pressure
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 for them.
As a result
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, taking part in lessons that teach them how to parent their
children
Use synonyms
 can provide basic knowledge of
children
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’s
develop
Replace the word
development
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
however
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, in my opinion, engaging in
such
Linking Words
 courses
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 not necessary and should not be mandatory. Since
children
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 come from
diversity
Replace the word
diverse
show examples
 backgrounds and personalities vary greatly, parenting should not be
one-size-fits-all
Add an article
a one-size-fits-all
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 approach.
Parents
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 should
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 their own methods, based on their experience and
the
Change the word
their
show examples
characteristic
Fix the agreement mistake
characteristics
show examples
. Everyone is unique, and so
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 the
children
Use synonyms
’s education. In conclusion, I agree that
childcare
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 training
program
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programs
show examples
 hold
importances
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importance
show examples
, but I believe that education should be
children
Use synonyms
-centered and should not be standardized. The best way of education should be
fits
Verb problem
to fit
show examples
 every
Use synonyms
children’s
Fix the agreement mistake
child’s
show examples
 individual needs.

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task achievement
Make sure your ideas are clear and easy to understand. Try to give more examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to connect your sentences better. This helps the flow of your essay.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion about the topic, which is good for task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states the main idea, showing good structure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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