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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss causes and effects of this disturbing trends. Give your solution for the causes.

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A healthy weight means being free from diseases and stress. In Western countries, the number of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 has been increasing over the past decade. There are several reasons for
this
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, and I will explain some possible solutions.
First,
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one of the main reasons is the busy lifestyle. Economically, Western societies have been growing quickly, but
this
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 growth has led to some unhealthy habits. Many
parents
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 need to work to support their families and give their
children
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 a better life. Because of
this
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, they often do not have time to cook at home, so
children
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 end up eating fast
food
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.
For example
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, when my
parents
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 were very busy for a few months, my siblings and I started eating street
food
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 even for breakfast, which caused me to get acne.
Secondly
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,
children
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 are often unaware of healthy
food
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 and its benefits. They are easily influenced by advertisements and the choices of their friends, which leads to weight gain.
Furthermore
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, many
children
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 do not understand the importance of exercise and physical activity, which leads to a sedentary lifestyle. There are some effective solutions to
this
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 problem.
First,
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parents
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 should make sure to cook healthy meals at home. If they cannot do
this
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, they can consider using a tiffin service from a trusted company.
This
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 will help prevent
children
Use synonyms
 from eating unhealthy
food
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from
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the streets.
Secondly
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, schools should introduce workshops or small courses to teach
children
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 about the benefits of healthy
food
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 and the dangers of junk
food
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.
Finally
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, both
parents
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 and teachers should encourage
children
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 to engage in sports and physical activities to stay fit. In conclusion, the problem of increasing weight among
children
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 is a serious issue for their future, especially as technology reduces the need for physical
labor
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labour
show examples
.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 and teachers must work together to focus on
children
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's diet and exercise routines. Teamwork is key to achieving better results.

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task achievement
Include more in-depth explanations for each cause and solution presented to enhance understanding.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that the essay flows smoothly from one point to another, perhaps by using more varied linking words and phrases.
coherence and cohesion
The essay presents a clear structure with a logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
The use of personal examples makes the essay relatable and illustrates the point effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumption
  • processed snacks
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • digital entertainment
  • balanced diet
  • junk food
  • diabetes
  • high blood pressure
  • heart diseases
  • low self-esteem
  • nutritious meal options
  • combat
  • educational programs
  • obesity
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