The promoters of social media claim that they are connecting people and enabling people to share like never before. While critics claim that social media site often impinges up on one's privacy. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

Social
media
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has been
a
Correct article usage
apply
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very interesting and, sometimes, important to
someones's
Correct your spelling
someone's
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life. It removes
distance
Add an article
the distance
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between
users
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that
Correct word choice
so that
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they can be connected everywhere they are.
Also
Linking Words
, social
media
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has been economically beneficial for influencers who can get profits by sharing or selling things.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is believed by founders that social
media
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connecting
Wrong verb form
connects
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humans
in
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around
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the entire globe and
enabling
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enables
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people
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to share many things.
However
Linking Words
, some negative opinions
arised
Correct your spelling
arise
arose
raised
because when using social
media
Use synonyms
means
Verb problem
apply
show examples
there is a chance of privacy gaps. My opinion
stands
Verb problem
is
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for
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that
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some restrictions and regulations should be enforced to save
people
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's private
life
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lives
show examples
when using social
media
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. The advancement of technology made
people
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easily connected through social
media
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platforms. Many positive developments
on
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in
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's
relationship
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relationships
show examples
, either personal or
work-life
Correct your spelling
work life
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, have been shown by the existence of social
media
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. Even it can support
people
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on
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in
show examples
posting what is happening in their
life
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lives
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, happiness or
griefness
Correct your spelling
grief
.
Thus
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,
people
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with
long distance
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long-distance
show examples
relationship
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relationships
show examples
could easily make communications. The availability of social
media
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raise
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raises
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people
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's awareness
to
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of
show examples
the world's condition,
such
Linking Words
as war, conflicts,
global
Correct word choice
and global
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phenomena. It removes boundaries between humans to share the actuals.
However
Linking Words
, when signing up for an account to use social
media
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, a person has to share some privacy
data
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,
such
Linking Words
as
born
Verb problem
a birth
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date or complete name. Without proper safety procedures from social
media
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platform
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platforms
show examples
, and pointing to the high possibility of hi-jack,
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users
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users'
user's
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data
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might be leaked everywhere and might bring to another level of crime
such
Linking Words
as falsification.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Indonesia, there was
a
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apply
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website piracy by
a
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apply
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hackers
and
Correct word choice
which
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led to around 100
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users
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users'
show examples
data
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leaked
Add a missing verb
being leaked
show examples
to open public and the problem staggered to a national level. Actually, it could be avoided by using more
advance
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advanced
show examples
website security systems or
multi-layers
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multi-layer
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security
password
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passwords
show examples
when accessing the platforms. From
users
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' perspective, frequently changing
password
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passwords
show examples
might help to secure their accounts. In conclusion, social
media
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has bridged
people
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's communication and relationships. It
also
Linking Words
allows
people
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to see through what
happen
Correct subject-verb agreement
happens
show examples
in the world from posts.
However
Linking Words
, to save the user's
privacy
Replace the word
private
show examples
data
Use synonyms
from hackers, some steps might be required to be implemented
such
Linking Words
as app developers
apply
Wrong verb form
applying
show examples
double-layer security, or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
setting
for
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apply
show examples
mandatory
fequently
Correct your spelling
frequent
change
Fix the agreement mistake
changes
show examples
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
user's password.

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task achievement
Your essay presents both views reasonably well but could expand on the arguments and provide more examples to strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are difficult to understand. Make sure to keep your sentences clear and straightforward for better communication.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion and present both sides of the issue in your essay.
task achievement
Good use of examples, such as the situation in Indonesia to illustrate the privacy issue.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite
Topic Vocabulary:
  • connect
  • share
  • people
  • privacy
  • life
  • updates
  • photos
  • videos
  • interests
  • communities
  • support
  • harm
  • information
  • consent
  • data
  • problems
  • cyberbullying
  • harassment
  • fear
  • anxiety
  • superficial
  • lonely
  • online
  • opinion
What to do next:
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