IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The promoters of social media claim that they are connecting people and enabling people to share like never before. While critics claim that social media site often impinges up on one's privacy. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

Social
media
Use synonyms
 has been
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
very interesting and, sometimes, important to
someones's
Correct your spelling
someone's
show examples
 life. It removes
distance
Add an article
the distance
show examples
 between
users
Use synonyms
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
 they can be connected everywhere they are.
Also
Linking Words
, social
media
Use synonyms
 has been economically beneficial for influencers who can get profits by sharing or selling things.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is believed by founders that social
media
Use synonyms
connecting
Wrong verb form
connects
show examples
 humans
in
Change preposition
around
show examples
 the entire globe and
enabling
Wrong verb form
enables
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to share many things.
However
Linking Words
, some negative opinions
arised
Correct your spelling
arise
arose
raised
 because when using social
media
Use synonyms
means
Verb problem
apply
show examples
there is a chance of privacy gaps. My opinion
stands
Verb problem
is
show examples
for
Change preposition
that
show examples
 some restrictions and regulations should be enforced to save
people
Use synonyms
's private
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 when using social
media
Use synonyms
. The advancement of technology made
people
Use synonyms
 easily connected through social
media
Use synonyms
 platforms. Many positive developments
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
, either personal or
work-life
Correct your spelling
work life
show examples
, have been shown by the existence of social
media
Use synonyms
. Even it can support
people
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 posting what is happening in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, happiness or
griefness
Correct your spelling
grief
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 with
long distance
Add a hyphen
long-distance
show examples
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 could easily make communications. The availability of social
media
Use synonyms
raise
Change the verb form
raises
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's awareness
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the world's condition,
such
Linking Words
 as war, conflicts,
global
Correct word choice
and global
show examples
 phenomena. It removes boundaries between humans to share the actuals.
However
Linking Words
, when signing up for an account to use social
media
Use synonyms
, a person has to share some privacy
data
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as
born
Verb problem
a birth
show examples
 date or complete name. Without proper safety procedures from social
media
Use synonyms
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
show examples
, and pointing to the high possibility of hi-jack,
Use synonyms
users
Change noun form
users'
user's
show examples
data
Use synonyms
 might be leaked everywhere and might bring to another level of crime
such
Linking Words
 as falsification.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Indonesia, there was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
website piracy by
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
hackers
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 led to around 100
Use synonyms
users
Change noun form
users'
show examples
data
Use synonyms
leaked
Add a missing verb
being leaked
show examples
 to open public and the problem staggered to a national level. Actually, it could be avoided by using more
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 website security systems or
multi-layers
Correct your spelling
multi-layer
show examples
 security
password
Fix the agreement mistake
passwords
show examples
 when accessing the platforms. From
users
Use synonyms
' perspective, frequently changing
password
Fix the agreement mistake
passwords
show examples
 might help to secure their accounts. In conclusion, social
media
Use synonyms
 has bridged
people
Use synonyms
's communication and relationships. It
also
Linking Words
 allows
people
Use synonyms
 to see through what
happen
Correct subject-verb agreement
happens
show examples
 in the world from posts.
However
Linking Words
, to save the user's
privacy
Replace the word
private
show examples
data
Use synonyms
 from hackers, some steps might be required to be implemented
such
Linking Words
 as app developers
apply
Wrong verb form
applying
show examples
 double-layer security, or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
setting
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mandatory
fequently
Correct your spelling
frequent
change
Fix the agreement mistake
changes
show examples
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 user's password.

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task achievement
Your essay presents both views reasonably well but could expand on the arguments and provide more examples to strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are difficult to understand. Make sure to keep your sentences clear and straightforward for better communication.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion and present both sides of the issue in your essay.
task achievement
Good use of examples, such as the situation in Indonesia to illustrate the privacy issue.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • connect
  • share
  • people
  • privacy
  • life
  • updates
  • photos
  • videos
  • interests
  • communities
  • support
  • harm
  • information
  • consent
  • data
  • problems
  • cyberbullying
  • harassment
  • fear
  • anxiety
  • superficial
  • lonely
  • online
  • opinion
What to do next:
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