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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the result of survey of patient who stayed in three different wards of a hospitals. It shows what percentage of the patients replied "very good" aout various aspects of their hospital ecperience.

The chart below shows the result of survey of patient who stayed in three different wards of a hospitals. It shows what percentage of the patients replied "very good" aout various aspects of their hospital ecperience.
The chart shows the
percentage
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 of people who had a great
experience
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 in various aspects in 3 different wards in the hospital.
Overall
Linking Words
, Holly
ward
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 had the the highest proportion of patients who replied " very good " on many factors of the hospital,
while
Linking Words
 Maple
ward
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 showed the lowest
percentage
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 of patients having a great
experience
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 except for the waiting time where Maple
ward
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 had a much better
patient
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experience
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 than Oak
ward
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. The
percentage
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 of patients having a great
experience
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 at the Holly wards in terms of the
quality
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 of treatment,
quality
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 of post-treatment care and
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the hospital staff was approximately 90 per
cent
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.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 the
percentage
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 of
patient
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 satisfaction during the waiting period was much lower, with approximately 75
percentage
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 Oak
ward
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 had the highest proportion of good
patient
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experience
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 on the
quality
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 of treatment done with 80 per
cent
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.
While
Linking Words
, the
quality
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 of after-care and positive feedback on the hospital staff was similar, with 70 per
cent
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 and just under 70
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percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
, respectively.
However
Linking Words
, the
percentage
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 of good
patient
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experience
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 for the waiting time in the
ward
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 was much lower than in Maple
ward
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, with just under 55 per
cent
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 and just over 55 per
cent
Use synonyms
, respectively.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, experience, ward, patient, quality, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 2 times.
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