IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The precentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

In recent years, obesity has become a widely discussed issue, especially in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 society where the rate of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 has
incresead
Correct your spelling
increased
 by 20% over the
last
Linking Words
 few years. The main reasons behind the problem are unhealthy alimentation and technology
while
Linking Words
 the major effects are medical cost and
food
Use synonyms
-related disturbs. European and US citizens tend to eat junk
food
Use synonyms
 at least 2 times per week.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
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 the widespread
fast-foods
Correct your spelling
fast-food
show examples
 culture and new delivery apps. In fact, in every capital or big city, walking around city centres is extremely easy to come across a myriad of McDonalds, Burger Kings or
resturant
Correct your spelling
restaurant
restaurants
 that offer cheap and decadent
food
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 choose to eat there to save money and feel satisfied.
Moreover
Linking Words
, technologies have made
easier
Correct pronoun usage
it easier
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 to
received
Wrong verb form
receive
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 processed
food
Use synonyms
 at home.
For instance
Linking Words
, with apps
such
Linking Words
 as Uber and
Glovo
Add a comma
Glovo,
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 a meal is delivered in less than 20 minutes meals from all the shops, contributing to the perception of saving time. These are two causes of the higher percentage of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 society. One of the main consequences of childhood obesity is the effect on 
Linking Words
overall
Add an article
the overall
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 well-being of
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
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. Eating too much unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to
increased
Correct article usage
an increased
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 risk of diabetes, heart disease, and social and psychological problems.
This
Linking Words
 has
also
Linking Words
 a huge impact on
heathcare
Correct your spelling
healthcare
 systems, with
raising
Correct your spelling
rising
show examples
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
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 associated with treating obesity-related conditions.
Finally
Linking Words
,
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 often are stigmatized
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their peers and that may lead to avoidance of social interaction and sedentarity, which makes the conditions even worse. In conclusion, the higher proportion of youngsters affected by obesity-related problems is mainly
Correct article usage
a consequences
show examples
consequences
Fix the agreement mistake
consequence
show examples
 of the fast-
food
Use synonyms
 culture and technologies which make
easier
Correct pronoun usage
it easier
show examples
 to buy processed
food
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 the main effects are the impacts on both
physical
Correct article usage
the physical
show examples
 and mental health of obese
children
Use synonyms
.

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coherence and cohesion
Work on structuring your paragraphs more clearly to enhance the flow of ideas.
task response
Try to include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make them clearer.
language use
Pay attention to grammar and spelling to improve the clarity of your writing.
task response
You have identified clear causes and effects of childhood obesity, which is a good start.
task response
Your essay addresses a relevant and important issue in society today.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Proliferation
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Processed foods
  • Socioeconomic factors
  • Childhood obesity
  • Obesity-related conditions
  • Stigmatization
  • Fast food culture
  • Physical activity
  • Home-cooked meals
  • Healthcare system
  • Psychological problems
  • Diabetes
  • Heart disease
What to do next:
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