IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows figures for attendances at hospital emergency care departments in Northern Ireland by age group in December 2016 and December 2017.

The chart below shows figures for attendances at hospital emergency care departments in Northern Ireland by age group in December 2016 and December 2017.
The bar chart illustrates the proportions of visits to hospital emergency care departments in Northern Ireland
according to
Linking Words
 age group in December 2016 and December 2017. The
number
Use synonyms
 of
patients
Use synonyms
 represented
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
per 1000
people
Use synonyms
Overall
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of attendances increased in
one-year
Add an article
a one-year
show examples
 period in all age groups. Most
patients
Use synonyms
 visiting
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the hospital were
people
Use synonyms
 aged 75 and above,
while
Linking Words
 the 5 to 15 age group accounted for the lowest proportion. In December 2016,
patients
Use synonyms
 aged 5 to 15 made up about 20
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
per 1000
people
Use synonyms
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the lowest figure
while
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of attendances aged 45 to 65
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 24 individuals
as
Change preposition
apply
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the second lowest trend. Those aged between 16 and 44 and between 65 and 74 were 30 respectively. The children under 5 consisted of 50
patients
Use synonyms
when
Correct word choice
while
show examples
 older individuals aged 75 or older accounted for 6,200. One year later,
patients
Use synonyms
 aged 5 to 15 presented 21 as the smallest proportion
while
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of individuals aged 45 and 65,
Correct pronoun usage
who cameng
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cameng
Correct your spelling
came
coming
camping
 to the hospital for emergency care,
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 25
people
Use synonyms
 as the second lowest trend. Those aged between 16 and 44 and between 65 and 74 contained 31 respectively. The children under 5 consisted of 51
patients
Use synonyms
when
Correct word choice
while
show examples
 elderly aged 75 or older accounted for 64.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 71%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, patients, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • chart analysis
  • attendances
  • emergency care departments
  • trend
  • age group
  • patient admissions
  • year-on-year comparison
  • statistical variation
  • healthcare system
  • data interpretation
  • percentage increase/decrease
  • demographics
  • healthcare planning
  • resource management
  • peak times
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