IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that technological inventions, such as mobile phones, are making people socially less interactive. Do you agree or disagree?

Some individuals opine that technological gadgets today
cause
Verb problem
have
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negative
Correct article usage
a negative
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 effect on people’s social appearance. From my point of thinking, at present, people spend less
time
Use synonyms
 in the social environment
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that computers and mobile phones take the most part of their attention,
thus
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, I accept
this
Linking Words
 opinion. On the one hand, new advancements contain a lot of entertainment activities that can engage people in their free
time
Use synonyms
,
also
Linking Words
 provide more opportunities to get better knowledge and make their life conditions more convenient. The use of tools
such
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 as computers, laptops and mobile phones
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 the process of receiving information simpler and faster. Access to the Internet from those gadgets
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 lives even easier and assists individuals in problem-solving situations.
Moreover
Linking Words
, humans can connect with their mates
on
Change preposition
over
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 long distances through social media and sustain their communication
with
Change preposition
by
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 chatting or calling.
This
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 can enhance people’s
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
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 and strengthen their social bonds.
On the other hand
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, today people spend less
time
Use synonyms
 in groups or with their close friends because of gadgets. Children prefer to spend
time
Use synonyms
 with technological inventions rather than being interested in some hobbies or sports. The number of those who spend
time
Use synonyms
 online increases every year, which causes
devastating
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a devastating
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 impact on
social
Add an article
the social
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 state of their age group.
For instance
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, it is a popular trend for teenagers to spend a lot of their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 playing
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
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 or chatting with others
by
Change preposition
on
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 social media. They prefer to spend
time
Use synonyms
 on
such
Linking Words
 activities rather than hanging out together.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, despite these facts, even when they gather together they play videogames
instead
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 of communicating with each other, and
as a result
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, know less about each other personalities. In conclusion, technological advancements brought plenty of
benefit
Change the noun form
benefits
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such
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 as fast access and
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 convenient
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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.
However
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,
social
Add an article
the social
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 of different age groups becomes less active, and it causes several effects on the population and cooperation in the future.

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task achievement
The introduction could be clearer. Try to restate the question more directly and state your opinion more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and complex. Try to break them into shorter sentences for clearer understanding.
task achievement
Make sure every point you make is tied back to your main argument about social interaction. Each paragraph should directly support your main point.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, summarize your main points more clearly and restate your opinion. It should feel like a summary and a final thought.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples about how technology affects social behavior, which adds strength to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay structure is clear with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • technology
  • mobile phones
  • social interaction
  • communication
  • connection
  • texting
  • calling
  • meeting
  • friends
  • social media
  • face-to-face
  • personal bonds
  • weaken
  • engaging
  • environment
  • less inclined
  • meaningful
  • reliance
  • settings
  • individuals
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