IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that reading stories from a book is better than watching TV or playing computer games for children. To wat extent do you agree or disagree?

There was a debate on whether reading
books
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 watching
TV
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 and playing
video
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games
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 are better for
children
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.
This
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 essay is in agreement with the advantages of reading
books
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due to
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 the
attention
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as well as
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 the creativity. It is vital to acknowledge that perusing
books
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 will train
children
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's
attention
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.
That is
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 to say,
children
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 have to stay focused in order to understand the plots and catch the flow of the
stories
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. If they do not pay enough
attention
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, they will spend more time rereading these
stories
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.
Thus
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,
this
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 better
attention
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 will be formed by reading
stories
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 which is necessary for the future.
On the other hand
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, those people who prefer watching
TV
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 and playing computer
games
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 are much better often argue that it provides skills.
In other words
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, playing
video
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games
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 not only promotes
children
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 to have better critical thinking in making a decision based on the game's situations
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
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 trains eye-hand coordination.
As a result
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,
this
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 reflection will generate more skills for
children
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.
However
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, overplaying
video
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games
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 or watching
TV
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 will harm not only the physical
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
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 the mental health of
children
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,
hence
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, declining the quality of life. Creativity is another factor that makes reading
books
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 better
other
Change preposition
than other
show examples
 activities. To put it simply, imagination is necessary so that book readers can have a direct vision of the plots, even the appearance or characteristics of
stories
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' characters.
Therefore
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, pursuing
books
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 frequently will promote the imagination and creativity of
children
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. In conclusion,
although
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 watching
TV
Use synonyms
as well as
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 playing
video
Use synonyms
games
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 may let
children
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 form soft skills, pursuing
books
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 will provide more benefits as the focus,
while
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also
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 the imagination.

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task achievement
Make sure to fully respond to all parts of the question. You should clearly state your opinion and support it with examples or reasons.
coherence
Try to improve the logical flow of your ideas. Make sure each paragraph connects well to the next.
coherence
Use clearer topic sentences to guide the reader. Each paragraph should have a main point that is easy to identify.
task achievement
The essay shows a clear opinion about reading books being better for children, which is a good start.
task achievement
You have mentioned important points like attention and creativity, which support your opinion well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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