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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some schools have restricted the use of mobile phones. Is this a positive or negative development?

The restriction of using mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 at
schools
Use synonyms
 is commonly found.
However
Linking Words
, some other
schools
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 have allowed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
for using
Change preposition
to use
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
.
This
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 phenomenon has some negative impacts,
such
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 as limiting the additional
materials
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 and taking longer time to capture the slides.
Firstly
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, mobile
phone
Use synonyms
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
show examples
 at some
schools
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 might limit
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students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
source
Fix the agreement mistake
sources
show examples
 of learning
materials
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because
student
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
 cannot surf the internet via their mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 if they need more explanation or more
example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
show examples
 of the
materials
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, in Jakarta, there is a secondary school which
allowed
Wrong verb form
allows
show examples
phone
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 usage in the class to assist them
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the internet source of
material
Add an article
the material
show examples
.
Then
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, the
students
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 have a responsibility to discuss
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 additional knowledge they gained from the internet with the class.
Consequently
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, they tend to be more engaged with the modules because they gain more knowledge from the mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 than the teacher had been prepared.
Secondly
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, mobile
phone
Use synonyms
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
 have
a
Correct article usage
the
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 potential to take more time
for capturing
Change preposition
to capture
show examples
 the class
materials
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 because
students
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 have to write
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
notes
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. The reason is,
Use synonyms
students
Correct word choice
that students
show examples
 can capture the slides or whiteboard with their mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 more quickly. Writing the
materials
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 on our own
notes
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, from one whiteboard, takes around five minutes.
However
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, taking a picture of the
materials
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need
Verb problem
takes
show examples
 less than three seconds, which is 100 times more effective than writing the
materials
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.
As a result
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,
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to taking
notes
Use synonyms
 with
hand writing
Correct your spelling
handwriting
show examples
, mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 captures the
materials
Use synonyms
 easier and faster. In conclusion, the statement regarding the restriction of
phone
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usages
Fix the agreement mistake
usage
show examples
 in some
schools
Use synonyms
 is a negative development.
This
Linking Words
 is caused by
students
Use synonyms
will limit
Wrong verb form
limiting
show examples
 their source of additional
materials
Use synonyms
 and taking
notes
Use synonyms
 inefficiently.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your position on the topic and provides a brief overview of your main points.
coherence cohesion
Use clearer linking words between sentences and paragraphs to improve flow.
task achievement
Provide additional examples or explanations to support your main points for more clarity.
coherence cohesion
You presented your arguments clearly and organized them into paragraphs well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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