IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Several
people
Use synonyms
 say that advertisements tell
as regarding
Verb problem
us about
show examples
 new
products
Use synonyms
 that may increase our lives, and a large number of
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 say that advertising encourages us to purchase things that we do not need. In
this
Linking Words
 essay will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
my opinion.
Firstly
Linking Words
, from my perspective, a growing number of
people
Use synonyms
 need advertising
special
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
nowadays because without advertising we cannot find
a great
Correct the article-noun agreement
great products
a great product
show examples
products
Use synonyms
.
That is
Linking Words
 why, in the modern era, many communities create good advertising to make a variety of
people
Use synonyms
 interested in the
products
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
due to
Linking Words
 advertisements explaining them regarding the new
products
Use synonyms
.
Besides
Linking Words
, recently a lot of company sell their
products
Use synonyms
 on media social.
For example
Linking Words
, they open the marketplace on Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp to gain more income and of course, advertising encourages them to buy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
products
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as handphones, T-shirts, and many others.
This
Linking Words
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 phenomenon in
this
Linking Words
 era and in my experience I see more communities in many worldwide are happy to buy something in online shops because of advertising.
This
Linking Words
 is different from a long time ago because for a few there is no technology like nowadays. So, societies never buy
products
Use synonyms
 on a marketplace like websites.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will be a habit in the long term and from advertising they can improve their lives to become modern
people
Use synonyms
 and excellent, why I said that because from it we can be easy to find what we want. In conclusion,
million
Fix the agreement mistake
millions
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 I think will need advertising to find
a good product
Correct the article-noun agreement
good product products
a good product product
show examples
products
Use synonyms
 for the future.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a clear introduction that presents your viewpoint clearly and lists the main points you will discuss.
Coherence and Cohesion
Link your ideas more effectively. Use words like 'firstly', 'additionally', and 'in conclusion' to guide the reader through your essay.
Task Response
Expand your ideas with more examples and details to strengthen your arguments and to provide a clearer understanding of your viewpoint.
Task Response
Make sure you check for spelling and grammar mistakes as they can distract from your message.
Task Achievement
You presented a clear opinion on the topic, which is a good start.
Task Achievement
You provided examples related to current social media trends, which are relevant to the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • persuade
  • manipulative
  • unnecessary
  • excessive
  • artificial needs
  • desires
  • consumers
  • oversaturation
  • impulse buying
  • financial problems
  • inform
  • educate
  • features
  • benefits
  • innovations
  • raise awareness
  • social issues
  • positive behavior
  • enrich
  • well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: