IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that parents should limit their children hours of watching tv and playing computer games, but encourage to read books. Do you agree or disagree?

Whether or not limitations on using electronics should be set for kids is a debatable topic. The writer of
this
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 essay agrees because of the health aspects and long-term benefits despite introducing the chance to connect with others. Health factors need significant consideration as staying on electronics, in general, makes kids suffer from physical and mental illnesses.
Due to
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 the fact that screens whether of TVs or phones emit blue light that proved to destroy the eyes causing many eye problems.
Likewise
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, exhaustion from being inactive for a great amount of time can
also
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 be mentioned as it prevents one from doing other activities which are more beneficial and healthy.
Additionally
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, apart from all the physical aspects, cyberbullying is a common encounter on the internet where people are free to say and express their feelings,
as a result
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, traumatizing someone is done with ease without hardly any consequences. Another benefit of
this
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 belief is by introducing books to
children
Use synonyms
, they can hope to find greater benefits in life. It is undeniable that through reading many skills can be learnt, all of which will be useful at some point.
Moreover
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, books present new perspectives from other learners and people leading to positive personality development as they are exposed to many creative and thoughtful ideas and innovations.
For instance
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, many regret that they should have read more in their younger days which now they find almost impossible as time is occupied by jobs and daily stress.
On the other hand
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, some argue that
this
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 introduces the opportunity to form relationships. Needless to say, with the advent of the Internet, it is easier than ever before to make new friends and socialize which helps
children
Use synonyms
 get a sense of belonging to a community. A clear example of
this
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 is those diagnosed with autism, they mentally struggle to find friends as they feel lonely and find it hard to communicate yet with social media they may get used to starting conversations and later implement them in real life.
Furthermore
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, the Internet connects everyone around the globe,
therefore
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, increasing the chance of meeting a foreigner from whom
children
Use synonyms
 can benefit from learning about other countries' cultures
while
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 having fun.
Thus
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, it can be seen that the writer of
this
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 essay agrees that
children
Use synonyms
 should be prohibited from using electronics for far too long.
This
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 is because
while
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this
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 helps them to form bonds with others,
this
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 holds less significance compared to long-term benefits and health problems.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure all your main points are clear and easy to understand. Sometimes, sentences are long and might confuse the reader. Try to keep them shorter and to the point.
coherence and cohesion
Try to have a stronger introduction and conclusion. Both should clearly show your main idea. A good introduction grabs attention, and a strong conclusion wraps up your thoughts nicely.
task achievement
Add more examples to support your ideas. Examples help make your points stronger and show that you really understand what you're talking about. Specific stories or facts can be effective.
task achievement
You have some good points about health and benefits of reading. This shows you have thought about the topic.
task achievement
The essay covers both sides of the argument, which is a good approach. It shows you can see different perspectives.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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