IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

School responsibility – Schools should be responsible to teach children money management. Do you agree with this?

Whether being
teached
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taught
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money
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management
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 for
children
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 by schools is their responsibility.
While
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this
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 trend might not be suitable with
this
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 age group, it is
also
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 not merely a paramount necessity but
also
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as
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apply
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a way to enhance mathematical
skills
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.
This
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 essay will point out why schools should be responsible for teaching
money
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management
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skills
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 to
children
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. One of the potential benefits of
this
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 notion is the enhancement of mathematical
skills
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 in
children
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, especially teenagers who have enough ability to basically manage their
money
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 debt. Having learnt about
money
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management
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,
children
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 will be stimulated to do a vast amount of
calculation
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calculations
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 throughout the curriculum,needless to say, familiarity with calculating is a precondition of sharp cognition which can significantly develop mathematical
skills
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.
For example
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,if
children
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 encountered realistic conditions with regard to managing their debt, they would easily deal with that problem
by
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through
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 their own experiences.
Thus
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, there is no doubt that the responsibility for teaching
money
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management
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 should belong to schools. What makes
this
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 particularly reasonable is it will be a paramount soft
skill
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 for
children
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 in the future.
By learning
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Learning
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 how to manage their
money
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,
it
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apply
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acts as a deterrent against wasting
money
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 or unnecessary expenditure, yet, they will have an edge over others. To explain
further
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, familiarity with the
money
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management
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 habitas,
children
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 have a tend to save
money
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, instilling them a sense of discipline and frugality, both of which can act as a consitive for
children
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 in future.
Hence
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, were
children
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 to be educated about
money
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management
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 , they would have a better soft
skill
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 and more opportunities.
In contrast
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, advocates of disagreement leading
children
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 to learn subjects resolve
money
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 believe it
still
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is still
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 not suitable for their age.
This
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 is because teenage students need to pay attention
in
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to
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 studying, not
for
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to
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 financial problems.
However
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, in the contemporary day, lots of
children
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 have earned
money
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 from their soft
skills
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, synonymous with,
this
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management
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skill
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 is conducive to positive efficiency
to
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in
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 their life. Ultimately,
management
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money
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skills
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 should be widely popularized regardless of disagreements. In conclusion, even though it might not be suitable for students at
this
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 age.
It is clear that
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 it not only
enhance
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enhances
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 their mathematical
skills
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 but
it
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apply
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also
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 becomes a very necessary soft
skill
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 in maturity life.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your points are more clearly connected to the main idea of the essay.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your main ideas to make them clearer.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs each focus on one main idea to improve your logical flow.
Task Achievement
You have a clear opinion that schools should teach money management.
Task Achievement
Your essay discusses multiple aspects of money management education.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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