IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

many manufactured food and drink products contain high evels of sugar, which causes many heath roblems, sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to cosnume less sugar do you agree or disagree?

These days, a significant debate has been sparked between
people
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 who advocate that
products
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 which contain a huge amount of sugar should be more expensive and others who believe that it is not appropriate to constrain
people
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 in
this
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 way.
This
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 essay will discuss both sides and explain why I partially agree with these statements. On the one hand, convenience food provides instant energy, often gained from snacks,
such
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 as chocolates and fizzy drinks. In the modern world, it cannot be denied that
people
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 undergo a rigorous schedule every day which encourages the growth of stress levels and exhaustion. At
this
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 time, individuals need to obtain their lost energy back.
Therefore
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, sugary
products
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 are their first choice, as they are a promising source of dopamine and low cost.
Due to
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this
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 reason, I believe sweet
products
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 are staple parts of nourishment.
On the other hand
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, consuming junk food, especially Coke and other sugary food generates health disorders. Today, most
people
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 have a poor diet, so impairments are becoming more prevalent in the community. To illustrate, children have easy access to these artificial
products
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, as they are able to convince their parents via nagging and pestering.
That is
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 why, the obesity rates among children and inadequate development are increasing continuously, particularly in developed countries. In conclusion,
while
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 many
people
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 support that excessive consumption of sugary
products
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 should be limited via applying high costs, I believe junk foods offer the opportunity to gain energy instantly. Despite increasing health issues, they are basic needs of humans.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion on the topic. This helps the reader understand your position from the start.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas better. Use linking words like 'however', 'moreover', and 'for example' to help your essay flow smoothly.
task achievement
Provide specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention how high sugar consumption leads to specific health issues like diabetes.
coherence and cohesion
The essay presents both sides of the argument, which shows an understanding of the topic.
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