IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reason for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development

Nowadays, many people discuss that
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
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 phone
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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used in a large part of their
freetime
Correct your spelling
free time
. Opinions are divided as to whether it has benefits to proceed as common rather than giving the negative effects to
overall
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 users.
Thus
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,
this
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 essay will describe both the advantages and the disadvantages of
this
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 story and provide a conclusion.
To begin
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 with, with the rapid development of technology, especially electronic devices, people tend to interested in mobiles than before. They can use it for working, socializing, or learning with one device.
Moreover
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, it has easy access to information, compared to books or libraries, and it will increase dependency on mobile apps for daily tasks.
For instance
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, many companies adapt their workflow and communication tools to proceed with phones,
such
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 as producing applications
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 or organising schedules.
Consequently
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, they have the potential to perform it on a common basis in their daily lives.
On the other hand
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, these devices reduce interaction
of
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between
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 humans, like
face-to-face
Add an article
a face-to-face
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 conversation, outdoor activities, or dining at
the
Correct article usage
a
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 restaurant.
Furthermore
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, these tools give rise
of
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to
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 mental illnesses that they might become dependent on, and cause various social issues.
For example
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, many children focus on their cell
phone
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phones
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 for long hours,
instead
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 of going outside or talking with their families,
hence
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 they will have an impact on their emotions and body, which affects their future sociability and
healthy
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health
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.
To conclude
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,
this
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 tool plays a crucial role in our lives. It has huge benefits for various sectors in the world.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 may have negative effects on both physical and mental health, if we are an uncontrolled person.
As a result
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,
this
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 should be controlled, particularly children, who cannot make decisions by themselves.

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task achievement
Your introduction needs a clearer statement of your opinion on whether the smartphone use is positive or negative. Try to include this to guide your reader better.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly relates back to the main idea. Use connecting words to help the flow of your ideas.
task achievement
Add more specific examples in your points, especially for the negative effects on mental health. This will strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You effectively introduced the main points of the essay, setting up a balanced discussion on the topic.
task achievement
Your writing shows an attempt to explore both sides of the issue, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphone
  • communication
  • information
  • entertainment
  • leisure
  • connected
  • productivity
  • tasks
  • schedules
  • dependency
  • shopping
  • convenient
  • access
  • family
  • friends
  • games
  • videos
  • social media
  • free time
  • development
  • positive
  • negative
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