IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays some older people choose to live in retirement communities and centers with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is this a positive or negative development?

In the contemporary era, many older adults prefer to live in retirement
homes
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of with their families.
While
Linking Words
 there are some benefits of
this
Linking Words
 trend, I believe
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development
due to
Linking Words
 its detrimental effects on individuals’s lives
as well as
Linking Words
 on society.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, one of the most significant disadvantages of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 staying in old age
care
Use synonyms
homes
Use synonyms
 is emotional weakness and
feel them
Wrong verb form
feeling
show examples
 lonely .
Although
Linking Words
 senior citizens prefer to live away from their
children
Use synonyms
 in a nursing home,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
it affects their mental well-being and weakens them emotionally. They miss their
children
Use synonyms
 and their love when sitting alone in a caregiver’s home and recalling the memories they spent with their family.
That is
Linking Words
 why, residing in retirement
homes
Use synonyms
, creates a concern of isolation and anxiety.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in many countries, it is
responsibility
Add an article
the responsibility
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
 to take
care
Use synonyms
 of their aged parents and give them all
required
Correct article usage
the required
show examples
 medical attention. If they send their parents
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 old-age
care
Use synonyms
 centres, it is against their values and culture. So,
this
Linking Words
 increasing trend affects
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society and conveys a negative message to young adults.
In addition
Linking Words
, another drawback of
this
Linking Words
 situation is
gap
Add an article
a gap
the gap
show examples
 between generations. When
children
Use synonyms
 grow up under their grandparents’ supervision, they learn ethical values and attitudes towards society. If their grandparents live separately,
children
Use synonyms
 do not learn these principles and feel disconnected
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their grandparents. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 retirement
homes
Use synonyms
 provide medical
care
Use synonyms
 and required activities for older adults, I strongly think that it is a negative trend and can cause loneliness, reduce strong
families
Change the noun form
family
show examples
 ties and harm relationships between generations.

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task achievement
Your essay discusses the topic, but it could be clearer and more direct in some places. Make sure each paragraph focuses on one main idea and relates directly to your main argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the flow of your ideas. Use more linking words like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally' to guide the reader through your points.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or details to support your main ideas. This can help strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion about the topic and stick to it throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion clearly state your views on the issue, which helps to frame the essay well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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