IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Social media is making people less social. Do you agree or disagree?

Whether social
platforms
Use synonyms
 decline the sociable level of individuals or not is a highly debatable point. The writer of
this
Linking Words
 essay totally agrees with the former statement
due to
Linking Words
 being less active and the impact on mental health. The key factor as to which users can facilitate
to
Add a missing verb
is to
show examples
 be intrigued to the social
platforms
Use synonyms
 and
sedantary
Correct your spelling
sedentary
 in the real life. As the social network consists of numerous ubiquitous
as well as
Linking Words
exagerrate
Correct your spelling
exaggerated
 news from tabloid
newspaper
Fix the agreement mistake
newspapers
show examples
. That leads to a pressing issue
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
humans spend too much time on it and do not be monotonous.
Thus
Linking Words
, the individuals rarely go outside and opt for
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle, leading to the
decreasing
Replace the word
decrease
show examples
 in
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
 circle around them. Another key component is that using social
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
show examples
 unsuitably enables to effect on mental health. To be more specific, the users are able to be influenced by some negative videos or comments on social
platforms
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals can
have been
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 bullied by their rude language on social networking sites. Taking Japan as an example, the
social-platform
Correct your spelling
social platform
show examples
 users
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 overrated, but the antisocial and depression rates are
also
Linking Words
 urgent alarms, at around 37%
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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average,
according to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 recent study
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 Harvard University.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the downside of using social media can lead to some mental diseases, especially depression.
However
Linking Words
, some people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that social media plays a
povital
Correct your spelling
pivotal
 role in
entertaining
Correct article usage
the entertaining
show examples
 aspect.
Since the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 online community
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 often utilize it to unwind and alleviate the tension after working through some short videos or motivating posts.
Hence
Linking Words
, if humans use social
platforms
Use synonyms
 effectively, they can balance between it and
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 social circle. Ultimately, it holds less
significant
Replace the word
significance
show examples
 compared to the drawbacks discussed earlier. In conclusion, utilizing online
platforms
Use synonyms
 enables to
establish
Replace the word
establishment
show examples
 sedentary lifestyle and
eroding
Wrong verb form
erodes
show examples
 mental health.

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task achievement
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main point and follow it with examples.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer connections between your ideas to help the reader follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more simple sentences and clear language for better understanding.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, like the statistics from Japan.
coherence and cohesion
The essay structure is present with an introduction and conclusion, which is good.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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