IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that competition in the workplace, at school, and in everyday life is beneficial. Others argue that cooperation is more important than competition. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is irrefutable that
competition
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 is rife in workplaces, schools and in day-to-day tasks. A fair portion of the world has a strong conviction that
competition
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 is healthy and makes for a more productive
life
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.
Whereas
Linking Words
 antagonists of
this
Linking Words
 view suggest that
collaboration
Use synonyms
 is more fulfilling and achieves more. In my opinion, ultimately,
collaboration
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 is more beneficial than
rivalry
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. On one hand, proponents of the idea of
competition
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 in
life
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 firmly believe that without
rivalry
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schools
Change preposition
in schools
show examples
children
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 lack enthusiasm, businesses will not strive for
excellency
Correct your spelling
excellence
show examples
 and in day-to-day
life
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 - individuals lack respect for each other. To illustrate, students find mathematics classes more engaging because they feel challenged by the scholar next to them who is desperate to prove his competency above everyone else. In business, strife against competitors is immensely beneficial: MacDonalds is in a tug of war for clientele with Hungry Jacks.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
rivalry
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 has led to reduced prices and
better quality
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better-quality
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of
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apply
show examples
food.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, supporters of
collaboration
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 have a strong conviction that working together fosters harmony in
work
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 environments.
Consequently
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,
this
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 has led to better workflow and respect for everyone at
work
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. To illustrate, teachers who encourage
children
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 to
work
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 together have more passes than fails.
This
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 is because colleagues generally understand why other classmates are failing to master a particular subject because
in
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, in
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 their networks, they discuss these issues.
Subsequently
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, they assist their peers with their problems thereby improving the class average passes. In my opinion,
collaboration
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 is more effective than
rivalry
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. Companies that prioritise or develop a culture of coordination between employees achieve greatness. The
MacDonalds
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MacDonald
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 franchise is successful because team leaders are trained to urge followers to support each other and cheer for each other.
In contrast
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 to partnership,
competition
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 is good but difficult to standardize
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, in some cases.
Subsequently
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, individuals engage in toxic activities all in the name of outwitting their
workmate
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workmates
show examples
 which has devasting ripple effects
such
Linking Words
 as colleagues quitting jobs and
other
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others
show examples
 bullying coworkers.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
competition
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 urges
children
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 to hide their strategies from other students which results in
children
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 isolating themselves from others.
Work
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 politics is driven by
competition
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
this
Linking Words
 spirals cases of bullying and harassment as employees can not handle the pressure. In conclusion, proponents of
competition
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 in
work
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life
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 and education institutions believe that it coerces
children
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 to
work
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 harder and fuels employees to out-achieve others, inadvertently boosting
work
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 morale.
However
Linking Words
, opposers of
this
Linking Words
 view are convinced that harnessing cooperation in schools and mundane tasks makes for better results. In my opinion, synergy creates harmonious
work
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 environments free from the struggles of the toxicity caused by
rivalry
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.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, which helps the reader follow your ideas. However, try to make the connection between your ideas stronger. This will improve coherence.
task achievement
Your examples are helpful, but some could be more detailed. Adding specific examples or stories would make your points clearer.
lexical resource
Work on using a wider range of vocabulary. This will help express your ideas more precisely.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main question to strengthen your overall argument.
structure
You have a good introduction and conclusion that present your opinion clearly.
task achievement
Your essay presents the discussion of both views effectively.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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