IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

While some people believe that children need pressure from parents to develop, others disagree by agruing that parental pressure is unnecessary. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays, most children's actions and behaviours
affected
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are affected
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 by peer pressure. In my opinion, Young peers from the same generation have a strong effect on each other in both good and bad sides.
This
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 essay argues why the
advantages
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 outweigh the disadvantages as the positive influence of peer pressure can shape the the lives of teenagers. Admittedly one of the major
advantages
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 of peer pressure is learning influence. A study conducted in 2008 stated that the ability of Young individuals to learn from their peers is higher by 80% compared to traditional learning methods.
This
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 can help them to expand their knowledge and influence them to build positive behaviours. One clear example of
this
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,
if
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is if
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 a teenager sees his friend follow a healthy lifestyle and go to the gym three days a week ,
this
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 will affect him to alter his daily routine to be
like
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apply
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him
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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more healthy and do more exercise. All in all,
this
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 could help them to discover themselves more. Despite the
advantages
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 above, one of the most concerning disadvantages is the negative effect of the peers on each other.
For example
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, Young youth might encourage each other to engage in harmful actions , conduct crimes and do some
dangers
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dangerous
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 activities like driving without a seatbelt.
This
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 could be a significant threat to the society.
To sum up
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, youth these days are often influenced by their generation in their actions and behaviours.
However
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, I believe that the
advantages
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 outweigh the disadvantages because young people may positively affect each other to expand their life experiments, explore new things or gain good habits.

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task achievement
Your introduction lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines your opinion. Make it more specific about the advantages and disadvantages you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and develops it effectively. Some points are not fully explained and could be clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas better between sentences and paragraphs. This will help your essay flow more smoothly.
task achievement
You provided specific examples to support your points, which adds strength to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main argument and gives a clear opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • intrinsic motivation
  • self-identity
  • psychological well-being
  • academic performance
  • essential skills
  • self-discipline
  • negative consequences
  • intrinsic motivation
  • creativity
  • independent thinking
  • love for learning
  • external expectations
  • sustainable success
  • balance between guidance and pressure
  • autonomy
  • parents' wisdom and experience
  • sense of independence and responsibility
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