IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

Obesity in
children
Use synonyms
 is a growing problem in many countries, and
this
Linking Words
 issue continues to increase each year. The main cause of
this
Linking Words
 problem is junk
food
Use synonyms
. To solve it, we need to educate
parents
Use synonyms
 about the dangers of fast
food
Use synonyms
 for their
children
Use synonyms
.
In particular
Linking Words
, countries like those in North America have high rates of overweight
children
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 problem often occurs because busy
parents
Use synonyms
 do not have time to cook healthy meals at home.
Instead
Linking Words
, they buy fast
food
Use synonyms
, like McDonald’s, which is quick and convenient but not nutritious.
As a result
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 may become lazy and less active.
For example
Linking Words
, in Saudi Arabia, the number of obese
children
Use synonyms
 has increased by 30%, leading health organizations to work on educating
parents
Use synonyms
 about
this
Linking Words
 serious issue. To tackle childhood obesity, we must teach
parents
Use synonyms
 how harmful fast
food
Use synonyms
 can be
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
’s health. Advertising on social media can help spread
this
Linking Words
 important message.
Additionally
Linking Words
, governments could impose taxes on
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 restaurants to encourage families to choose healthier options. In Saudi Arabia, efforts to inform both
children
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
 about the risks of fast
food
Use synonyms
 have already led to a 10% decrease in childhood obesity over the
last
Linking Words
 year. In conclusion, we need to focus on our
children
Use synonyms
’s health by providing them with healthy meals and reducing fast
food
Use synonyms
 consumption. By raising awareness about the dangers of junk
food
Use synonyms
, we can help our kids live healthier lives and develop better eating habits for the future.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your main points in the introduction.
task achievement
Add more examples to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words to connect your ideas better.
coherence and cohesion
Try to have a stronger connection between paragraphs.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and presents a clear argument.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and summarize your main ideas well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: