IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being over weight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society. How can this problem be solved.

Nowadays,
due to
Linking Words
 the
inclining
Add a comma
inclining,
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rate of
weight
Use synonyms
gaining
Change the form of the verb
gain
show examples
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 are at risk of serious health
aliments
Correct your spelling
ailments
show examples
. There are various
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 behind
this
Linking Words
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
show examples
. I will discuss them
along with
Linking Words
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 in upcoming paragraphs. To start with , there are several reasons behind
this
Linking Words
 trend , the first and foremost reason is lack of physical
activities
Use synonyms
 .
in
Change preposition
At
show examples
 present time , many professional proponents and children spend
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
a lot of time
infront
Correct your spelling
in front
 of
screen
Add an article
the screen
show examples
 which makes their lifestyle sedentary
as a result
Linking Words
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 face different diseases
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and lower vision.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
this
Linking Words
 , consuming junk
food
Use synonyms
 is playing
Correct article usage
a virtal
show examples
virtal
Correct your spelling
vital
 role in gaining
weight
Use synonyms
 . in
present
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
scenairo
Correct your spelling
scenario
, youngsters prefer to eat fast
food
Use synonyms
 as
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to
home cooked
Add a hyphen
home-cooked
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 . Which makes them
fatty
Replace the word
fat
show examples
 and lazy.
For instance
Linking Words
 ,
an
Change the article
a
show examples
survay
Correct your spelling
survey
 was conducted by the WHO in 2002 , which disclosed almost 65%
teenagers
Change preposition
of teenagers
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
normally deal with
over
Correct your spelling
overweight
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weight
Use synonyms
 health problems because of oily
food
Use synonyms
 consumption in
Add an article
the united
show examples
united kingdom
Correct your spelling
United Kingdom
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
 , there are distinctive solutions for these reasons, the
apropriate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
 solution is doing
mannual
Correct your spelling
manual
 tasking . Human beings ought to do physical
activities
Use synonyms
along with
Linking Words
 their busy schedule
such
Linking Words
playing
Change preposition
as playing
show examples
 outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 and
exercies
Correct your spelling
exercises
exercise
thus
Linking Words
help
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 them to
loosing
Verb problem
lose
show examples
weight
Use synonyms
 and keep them fit as
fiddle
Add an article
a fiddle
show examples
 .
Additionally
Linking Words
, adults should take healthy
food
Use synonyms
 which
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 minerals ,
protain
Correct your spelling
protein
 and vitamins resulting
to makes
Change preposition
in making
show examples
 their bones
stronge
Correct your spelling
stronger
.
For example
Linking Words
 , my mother keeps her fit by eating healthy
food
Use synonyms
 as
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to oily things and she does exercise daily . She is 52 years old , but
her
Change the pronoun
she
show examples
 looks like she is my sister . She is very active . In conclusion ,
although
Linking Words
 there are many
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
out
Correct your spelling
our
show examples
weight
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
busy
Correct article usage
a busy
show examples
 lifestlye and bad eating
habbits
Correct your spelling
habits
 but it
also
Linking Words
 have solutions
such
Linking Words
 as doing physical
activities
Use synonyms
 and consuming healthy
food
Use synonyms
 leads to make their healthy lifestyle.

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task response
Your introduction sets the context, but it could be clearer. Try to clearly state your main points in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Connect ideas more smoothly to improve the flow of your essay. Use linking words like 'however', 'firstly', and 'in addition'.
task response
Make sure to provide specific examples that relate directly to your points. This will support your statements better.
coherence cohesion
Try to use correct grammar and avoid spelling mistakes to make your writing clearer.
task response
You have identified relevant reasons for the increase in overweight people and offered solutions, which is a good start.
task response
Your personal example about your mother is engaging and adds a personal touch to your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • health problems
  • fast food
  • unhealthy
  • nutrition
  • screen time
  • physical activity
  • busy lifestyles
  • healthy meals
  • dietary choices
  • public spaces
  • exercising
  • marketing
  • advertising
  • appealing
  • cheaper
What to do next:
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