IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people’s health. Do you agree or disagree?

In my firm belief, shops should not be allowed to sell
food
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 and beverages that are harmful to our body system. Many
researchs
Correct your spelling
research
and
Correct word choice
apply
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studies have shown how dangerous it is to consume foods that contain high MSG
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is mostly found in children’s sweets and snacks that are being manufactured in a factory rather than being made organic using natural ingredients. When
such
Linking Words
 snacks are being exposed to young children it can affect their
health
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 rapidly as they grow older, if they are not mindful of the amount of sweets being eaten
this
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 can lead to
health
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 issues affecting their kidneys, digestive system, and heart problems.
Such
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 cases may raise concerns for parents as they might stop purchasing which eventually
businesses
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 would lose consumers from their lack of safety
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
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 for the
food
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 produced.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is the norm in many supermarkets and convenience stores to import a variety of brands that make products which have high
health
Use synonyms
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
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. A sudden fertile change would affect the industry if the government were to implement laws to ban
such
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 being sold. It would affect the country’s economy and many
businesses
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 would not be able to survive
due to
Linking Words
 the heavy loss in consumers. Rather the government could increase the
health
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 security of the
food
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 being produced by going through a quality check before being placed in the market for sale.
This
Linking Words
 would benefit both the consumer and
businesses
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, it would put trust
for
Change preposition
in
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 the buyer and
businesses
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 would be stable. In my opinion, it is best for products to go through safety checks. Kids should experience eating many different varieties of snacks which can leave a fond childhood memory for them to look back at as they grow older feeling nostalgic. In conclusion, governments should take into consideration by executing stricter regulations for everyone to enjoy anything without any worries for their
health
Use synonyms
 and
such
Linking Words
 equality would benefit both the consumer and the companies that manufacture
food
Use synonyms
 products.

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task achievement
Add more clear examples to support your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea. It will help the flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Provide a clearer conclusion that sums up your main arguments.
content
You raise important points about health concerns for children.
structure
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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