There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

When I

were

Change the verb form

was

show examples

young, I felt bored and stressed

to go

Change the verb form

going

show examples

shool

Correct your spelling

school

show examples

. They had a lot of

subjects

Use synonyms

to learn and practise.

Change the preposition

show examples

the end of day, I came home with a ton of

homeworkes

Correct your spelling

homework

to do for the next.

Therefore

Linking Words

, I am deeply understanding how young people have got a lot of

presure

Correct your spelling

pressure

to succeed academically.

However

Linking Words

, I do not think that

remove

Wrong verb form

removing

show examples

the non-academic

subjects

Use synonyms

such

Linking Words

as physical education and cookery

that

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

can make children

can

Verb problem

apply

show examples

concentrate on academic work. The children should develop all of their skills and some

subjects

Use synonyms

will make

they

Correct pronoun usage

them

show examples

enjoy and relax.

For instance

Linking Words

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

physical education will make

they

Correct pronoun usage

them

show examples

understand their body

then

Linking Words

they can find

the

Correct article usage

show examples

way to help them focus on learning time.

Moreover

Linking Words

, the

subjects

Use synonyms

are

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

support each other to help the children develop their

mantual

Correct your spelling

mental

health and physical health.

Conclusion

Change preposition

In conclusion

show examples

, I think they should take more time to rest and

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

not push themself

Replace the word

too

show examples

much.

tuantran9572Thu Jun 19 2025

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task achievement

The introduction needs to clearly state your opinion. Try using phrases like 'I completely disagree' or 'I partly agree' to show your stance clearly.

coherence and cohesion

Your ideas are sometimes unclear. Try to use simpler sentences and connect your points with words like 'first', 'next', and 'finally'. This will help the flow of your writing.

coherence and cohesion

Focus on grammar. Use 'I was' instead of 'When I were' and 'homework' instead of 'homeworkes', which are small but important mistakes.

coherence and cohesion

Make sure to conclude your essay by summarizing your main points. This helps the reader remember your strong points in the end.

task achievement

You shared a personal experience, which shows your understanding of the pressure young people face.

task achievement

You recognized the importance of non-academic subjects for children's overall development, showing good insight.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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6
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
18
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

159 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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