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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

People are having more and more sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons? What are the solutions to make people drink less.

There is an ongoing trend that
people
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 are more likely to have
sugar
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-based
drinks
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. Obviously, there are several drawbacks,
such
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 as obesity and high blood pressure, for us.
Hence
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, in
this
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 essay, I will explore the main reasons behind those health
issues
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 and propose some
solutions
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.
To begin
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 with, one of the most prominent causes of
this
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 problem is economic advancement. Specifically, as economic growth is accelerated in every country, citizens need to work longer because, without enough labour, economic development cannot be achieved.
However
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, as The Economist stated in a recent article, one of the biggest
issues
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 we need to tackle now is poverty, and the most effective approach to solving that issue is economic development.
But
Correct word choice
However
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 it is obvious that the longer employees work, the more tired they are, and
sugar
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 is effective in mitigating those accumulated stresses and exhaustion
due to
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 its chemical features.
Moreover
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, unfortunately,
drinks
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 containing a large amount of
sugar
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 are generally cheaper than other types of beverages.
This
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 triggers the situation where those pressured
people
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 are more likely to purchase unhealthy
drinks
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.
For
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this
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 reason, working classes are potentially consuming
sugar
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 in several ways, including
drinks
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 because they are always aspiring to reduce those mental and physical burdens.
On the other hand
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, as implied above, there are some
solutions
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 to resolve the
issues
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 brought by
this
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 ongoing trend, and those
solutions
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 are governmental actions and campaigns.
For example
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, in some European countries, by introducing a higher tax on products which contain a lot of
sugar
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, those nations succeeded in reducing the number of patients who struggle with obesity.
Moreover
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, in Japan, the government regulated imports of unhealthy
sugar
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-based
drinks
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, leading to a smaller number of
drinks
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 which
people
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 can buy in stores.
Therefore
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, the most effective
solutions
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 are political actions, and public sectors should positively implement them. In conclusion,
although
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 the entire world promotes economic developments to mitigate financial disparities among ordinary
people
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,
this
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 trend causes several problems, including health
issues
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 by stimulating workers to consume
sugar
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.
Moreover
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,
while
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 some benefits can be brought by consuming
sugar
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, over-consumption can be harmful to us. For these reasons, I suggest that governments should implement several policies.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to provide clearer connections between your ideas. Use linking words like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally'.
task response
Make sure every main point directly supports your main argument. Some ideas could be clearer or more directly linked to the question.
task response
Your introduction clearly states the topic and what you will discuss.
task response
Good use of examples from different countries to support your points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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